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Black Man Out Of Work

WASHINGTON—Joining the ranks of the unemployed at a time when joblessness remains stubbornly high among African Americans, 55-year-old local black man Barack Obama has lost the full-time job he has held for the past eight years, sources confirmed Friday.

Departing Obama Tearfully Shoos Away Loyal Drone Following Him Out Of White House

‘Go On Now, Git,’ Says Former President

WASHINGTON—Stopping and turning around as he made his way across the South Lawn after hearing the unmanned aerial vehicle hovering just feet behind him, outgoing President Barack Obama tearfully shooed away a loyal MQ-9 Reaper drone attempting to follow him out of the White House, sources confirmed Friday.

Jimmy Carter Contemplating Dying Right Here And Now

WASHINGTON—Carefully weighing the pros and cons of each option from his seat onstage at Donald Trump’s inauguration, former president Jimmy Carter is, according to late-breaking reports, currently contemplating dying right here and now.
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Romney Aide: Campaign Light On Details

Ed Gillespie, a top adviser to Mitt Romney, admitted the campaign had thus far failed to provide enough details about policy proposals and said a concerted effort would be made to better communicate the Republican candidate’s specific ideas and stances. What do you think?

  • “That’s sad. When you take something like the Romney campaign and try to analyze it, quantify it, or pin it down—that’s when you destroy its beauty.”

    Rosalie Teves Juvenile Court Judge
  • “Romney better do that if he wants to have any hope of connecting with the huge detail-oriented policy wonk segment of the electorate.”

    Mitch Giordano Plasma Physicist
  • “Wait, so he hasn’t shared the details of his policy proposals? So what have I been disagreeing with for the past three months?”

    Tommy Null Pelt Scraper

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