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Woman Conducting Ongoing Scientific Experiment On Own Skin

DULUTH, MN—Noting her methodic applications of various chemical agents in carefully controlled combinations, sources confirmed Wednesday that local woman Sara Holloway has been carrying out an open-ended scientific experiment on her own skin.

Earth Ranked Number One Party Planet

FRAMINGHAM, MA—Noting its high concentration of nightlife, droves of attractive singles, and atmospheric conditions allowing liquid alcohol to exist, the ‘Princeton Review’ on Monday ranked Earth the Milky Way galaxy’s top party planet for the fifth year in a row.
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Romney Blimp Makes Emergency Landing

While flying over Boca Raton, FL yesterday ahead of the final presidential debate, a blimp bearing the likeness of the Republican presidential nominee and the phrase “America Needs Romney” was forced by high winds to make an emergency landing. What do you think?

  • “Oh, the lack of any relatable humanity!”

    Steve Timoney Cigar Brander
  • “What a shame. That probably could have helped him lock up the impressed-by-blimps demographic.”

    Madeline Kramer Efficiency Expert
  • “I think Romney will still get a lot of traction from that penny-farthing tour he’s on, at least.”

    Rob Weets Systems Analyst
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