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Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Nation’s Sanitation Workers Announce Everything Finally Clean

‘Please Try To Keep It This Way,’ Say Workers

WASHINGTON—After spending years sweeping and scrubbing across all 50 states, the nation’s sanitation workers announced Thursday that everything was finally clean and asked Americans if they could please keep it that way.
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Romney Clinches Republican Nomination

With his victory in the Texas primary, Mitt Romney has amassed enough delegates to secure the Republican nomination for president. What do you think?

  • “Now's the moment when he's in a skyscraper, staring out at a city at night, and he says, ‘Do I sacrifice everything? Is it worth it?’ Ooooo, I love politics!”

    Tanya Brewster Systems Analyst
  • “As a Romney supporter, I'm torn. Obviously, I'm happy for the guy, but I guess part of me never wanted this wild primary party to end.”

    Larry Walter Batter Mixer
  • “This is a day that will go down in the history books forever. Because I’m pretty sure they have to keep records of everything like this, no matter how boring, predictable, or inconsequential.”

    Xander Evans Translator

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