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Veteran Given Hero’s Welcome Back To Afghanistan

KABUL, AFGHANISTAN—Waving flags and breaking into cheers the moment they spotted the veteran, dozens of joyous citizens gave Marine Pfc. Victor Rosas, 23, a hero’s welcome back to Afghanistan, sources reported Tuesday.

OB-GYN Assures Serena Williams Fetus Developing Serve On Schedule

WEST PALM BEACH, FL—Observing that the unborn child was producing the smooth, fluid strokes expected in the third trimester, ob-gyn Dr. Theresa Umbers reportedly assured world No. 4–ranked tennis player Serena Williams at an appointment Tuesday that her fetus was developing its serve right on schedule.

God Deploys 100,000 More Mosquitoes To U.S.

THE HEAVENS—Directing the reinforcements to areas that had suffered heavy casualties, God, Our Heavenly Father, ordered the deployment of 100,000 more mosquitoes to the United States, sources confirmed Monday.
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Romney Clinches Republican Nomination

With his victory in the Texas primary, Mitt Romney has amassed enough delegates to secure the Republican nomination for president. What do you think?

  • “Now's the moment when he's in a skyscraper, staring out at a city at night, and he says, ‘Do I sacrifice everything? Is it worth it?’ Ooooo, I love politics!”

    Tanya Brewster Systems Analyst
  • “As a Romney supporter, I'm torn. Obviously, I'm happy for the guy, but I guess part of me never wanted this wild primary party to end.”

    Larry Walter Batter Mixer
  • “This is a day that will go down in the history books forever. Because I’m pretty sure they have to keep records of everything like this, no matter how boring, predictable, or inconsequential.”

    Xander Evans Translator

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