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Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Nation’s Sanitation Workers Announce Everything Finally Clean

‘Please Try To Keep It This Way,’ Say Workers

WASHINGTON—After spending years sweeping and scrubbing across all 50 states, the nation’s sanitation workers announced Thursday that everything was finally clean and asked Americans if they could please keep it that way.
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Romney Has Lunch At White House

In his first meeting with Mitt Romney since winning reelection, President Barack Obama hosted his former political rival for lunch at the White House today to discuss ways to improve the federal government. What do you think?

  • “Doesn’t Obama have more important people to pretend to listen to for political theater?”

    Linda Keagle Rug Mender
  • “This would be the perfect opportunity for them to use any zingers they forgot to blast each other with during the campaign.”

    Myron Eldridge Unemployed
  • “Oh, man, I’d love to be a fly on that wall. But only for the lunch, and then I’d like to be transformed back into a human.”

    Frank Honicky Christmas Tree Farmer

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