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Veteran Given Hero’s Welcome Back To Afghanistan

KABUL, AFGHANISTAN—Waving flags and breaking into cheers the moment they spotted the veteran, dozens of joyous citizens gave Marine Pfc. Victor Rosas, 23, a hero’s welcome back to Afghanistan, sources reported Tuesday.

OB-GYN Assures Serena Williams Fetus Developing Serve On Schedule

WEST PALM BEACH, FL—Observing that the unborn child was producing the smooth, fluid strokes expected in the third trimester, ob-gyn Dr. Theresa Umbers reportedly assured world No. 4–ranked tennis player Serena Williams at an appointment Tuesday that her fetus was developing its serve right on schedule.

God Deploys 100,000 More Mosquitoes To U.S.

THE HEAVENS—Directing the reinforcements to areas that had suffered heavy casualties, God, Our Heavenly Father, ordered the deployment of 100,000 more mosquitoes to the United States, sources confirmed Monday.
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Romney Has Lunch At White House

In his first meeting with Mitt Romney since winning reelection, President Barack Obama hosted his former political rival for lunch at the White House today to discuss ways to improve the federal government. What do you think?

  • “Doesn’t Obama have more important people to pretend to listen to for political theater?”

    Linda Keagle Rug Mender
  • “This would be the perfect opportunity for them to use any zingers they forgot to blast each other with during the campaign.”

    Myron Eldridge Unemployed
  • “Oh, man, I’d love to be a fly on that wall. But only for the lunch, and then I’d like to be transformed back into a human.”

    Frank Honicky Christmas Tree Farmer

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