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Tips For Hotel Etiquette

Staying in a hotel can be a fun and luxurious experience, but it requires consideration of the guests around you. The Onion presents its guide to hotel etiquette:

Report: Look How Big Player Is Next To Sideline Reporter

GREEN BAY, WI—Marveling at the pronounced disparity in size during the postgame interview, sources confirmed Sunday that, Jesus Christ, just look at how big Houston Texans nose tackle Vince Wilfork is next to the CBS sideline reporter.

John Kerry Throws Vine Over Pit Of Quicksand To Save Child Companion

PANGSAU, MYANMAR—Thinking quickly to thwart disaster as he ventured deep into the Myanmar rainforest to meet with State Councilor Aung San Suu Kyi, Secretary of State John Kerry threw a vine over a pit of quicksand to save the life of his 12-year-old Moroccan companion, Drumstick, sources confirmed Monday.

Report: This Movie Old Enough That They Might Have Actually Hurt Dog

GARDNER, MA—Realizing the movie was probably made years before any sort of mandatory industry oversight, nervous viewers watching a Turner Classic Movies airing of ‘Home On The Range’ Sunday night told reporters that the classic western was old enough that the filmmakers might have actually hurt the dog that starred in the motion picture.
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Romney Promises 'The Opposite' Of Obama On Israel

This past weekend, Mitt Romney vowed that he would look at what President Obama has done regarding Israel and "do the opposite." What do you think?

  • "I can only assume what Romney means is that he's going to cut off aid to Israel, support the Palestinians, and make out with Mahmoud Ahmadinejad."

    Lucas Friel Tape Cutter
  • "If applied uniformly across the board, this style of rhetoric could really take the guesswork out of Romney's positions on everything."

    Beth Altman Systems Analyst
  • “Okay, so he’s got his foreign policy down, but what about the economy? Has he mentioned whether he’ll make it better or did he say he would make it worse? The answer is important.”

    Ray Creaghead Bead Builder

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