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Black Man Out Of Work

WASHINGTON—Joining the ranks of the unemployed at a time when joblessness remains stubbornly high among African Americans, 55-year-old local black man Barack Obama has lost the full-time job he has held for the past eight years, sources confirmed Friday.

Departing Obama Tearfully Shoos Away Loyal Drone Following Him Out Of White House

‘Go On Now, Git,’ Says Former President

WASHINGTON—Stopping and turning around as he made his way across the South Lawn after hearing the unmanned aerial vehicle hovering just feet behind him, outgoing President Barack Obama tearfully shooed away a loyal MQ-9 Reaper drone attempting to follow him out of the White House, sources confirmed Friday.

Jimmy Carter Contemplating Dying Right Here And Now

WASHINGTON—Carefully weighing the pros and cons of each option from his seat onstage at Donald Trump’s inauguration, former president Jimmy Carter is, according to late-breaking reports, currently contemplating dying right here and now.
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Romney Wins Illinois

Pundits are declaring that Mitt Romney's decisive victory in Illinois yesterday is a good indicator that he'll win the nomination. What do you think?

  • "I hope that means these guys can go back to being friends now."

    Annette Kerr Systems Analyst
  • "Aw, heck. I was still hoping one of the spite candidates would make it through."

    Chris Moscrop Hogshead Inspector
  • “As a Romney supporter, this might be the best news I’ve heard since pundits started declaring him the probable nominee back in 2011.”

    Scott Johnson Shoe Repairer

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