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Romney Wins Illinois

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Rest Of Nation To Penn State: ‘Something Is Very Wrong With All Of You’

WASHINGTON—Stating they felt deeply unnerved by the community’s unwavering and impassioned defense of a football program and administration that enabled child sexual abuse over the course of several decades, the rest of the country informed Penn State University Friday that there is clearly something very wrong with all of them.

Strongside/Weakside: Lamar Jackson

After passing for eight touchdowns and rushing for another 10 in just the first three weeks of the season, Louisville Cardinals sophomore quarterback Lamar Jackson has quickly become the frontrunner to win the Heisman Trophy. Is he any good?

Obesity: Myth Vs. Fact

With as many as one in three people in the U.S. qualifying as obese, misconceptions are often formed about what it means to be significantly overweight. The Onion separates obesity myths from facts
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Romney Wins Illinois

Pundits are declaring that Mitt Romney's decisive victory in Illinois yesterday is a good indicator that he'll win the nomination. What do you think?

  • "I hope that means these guys can go back to being friends now."

    Annette Kerr Systems Analyst
  • "Aw, heck. I was still hoping one of the spite candidates would make it through."

    Chris Moscrop Hogshead Inspector
  • “As a Romney supporter, this might be the best news I’ve heard since pundits started declaring him the probable nominee back in 2011.”

    Scott Johnson Shoe Repairer

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