Romney Wins Illinois

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Deadline For Prior User To Remove Clothes From Dryer Extended 5 Minutes

JOHNSON CITY, TN—Upon finding the machine in her apartment building’s laundry room completely untouched since she last stopped by, exasperated local woman Sandra Hermus reportedly mounted all her magnanimity Monday and extended the deadline for the previous user to remove their clothing from the dryer by five minutes.

Man Races Against Time To Take Out Trash Bag With Widening Puncture

RIO RANCHO, NM—His pace steadily quickening as he rounded the corner out of his kitchen and made a beeline for the front door, local man Henry Parnasse reportedly found himself locked in a race against time Wednesday morning to take out a trash bag with a widening hole in its side.
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Romney Wins Illinois

Pundits are declaring that Mitt Romney's decisive victory in Illinois yesterday is a good indicator that he'll win the nomination. What do you think?

  • "I hope that means these guys can go back to being friends now."

    Annette Kerr
    Systems Analyst
  • "Aw, heck. I was still hoping one of the spite candidates would make it through."

    Chris Moscrop
    Hogshead Inspector
  • “As a Romney supporter, this might be the best news I’ve heard since pundits started declaring him the probable nominee back in 2011.”

    Scott Johnson
    Shoe Repairer