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Black Man Out Of Work

WASHINGTON—Joining the ranks of the unemployed at a time when joblessness remains stubbornly high among African Americans, 55-year-old local black man Barack Obama has lost the full-time job he has held for the past eight years, sources confirmed Friday.

Departing Obama Tearfully Shoos Away Loyal Drone Following Him Out Of White House

‘Go On Now, Git,’ Says Former President

WASHINGTON—Stopping and turning around as he made his way across the South Lawn after hearing the unmanned aerial vehicle hovering just feet behind him, outgoing President Barack Obama tearfully shooed away a loyal MQ-9 Reaper drone attempting to follow him out of the White House, sources confirmed Friday.

Jimmy Carter Contemplating Dying Right Here And Now

WASHINGTON—Carefully weighing the pros and cons of each option from his seat onstage at Donald Trump’s inauguration, former president Jimmy Carter is, according to late-breaking reports, currently contemplating dying right here and now.
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Roomba Maker Unveils Military Robot

The manufacturer of the home-vacuuming robot Roomba unveiled a military robot that can be fitted with guns and carry up to 500 pounds. What do you think?
  • "I'm scared about what would happen if one of those things was possibly programmed as intended."

    Charles Gurnick Systems Analyst
  • "Are dirt and spills really the biggest problems facing Iraq right now?"

    Craig Banner Asbestos Abatement
  • "If the fear it instilled in my cat is any indication, this machine will be a wild success."

    Daphne Golden Legal Aide

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