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Players To Watch In The Sweet 16

The 2017 NCAA Men’s Basketball Tournament has provided thrilling upsets and amazing comebacks in the first two rounds. Onion Sports presents a guide to the 10 players to watch in the Sweet 16.

Archaeologists Uncover Last Human To Die Happy

DEMBECHA, ETHIOPIA—In a startling find that contributes significantly to the understanding of modern man’s evolutionary development, University of Edinburgh archaeologists working in Ethiopia’s Afar Region announced Wednesday that they have uncovered the preserved remains of the last human to die happy.

Report: Grandpa Just Walks Like That Now

CULVER CITY, CA—According to family sources, the prominent limp displayed by local grandpa Marvin Adelstein on Tuesday is indicative of the fact that he just walks like that now.
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Roomba Maker Unveils Military Robot

The manufacturer of the home-vacuuming robot Roomba unveiled a military robot that can be fitted with guns and carry up to 500 pounds. What do you think?
  • "I'm scared about what would happen if one of those things was possibly programmed as intended."

    Charles Gurnick Systems Analyst
  • "Are dirt and spills really the biggest problems facing Iraq right now?"

    Craig Banner Asbestos Abatement
  • "If the fear it instilled in my cat is any indication, this machine will be a wild success."

    Daphne Golden Legal Aide
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