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Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Nation’s Sanitation Workers Announce Everything Finally Clean

‘Please Try To Keep It This Way,’ Say Workers

WASHINGTON—After spending years sweeping and scrubbing across all 50 states, the nation’s sanitation workers announced Thursday that everything was finally clean and asked Americans if they could please keep it that way.
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Roomba Maker Unveils Military Robot

The manufacturer of the home-vacuuming robot Roomba unveiled a military robot that can be fitted with guns and carry up to 500 pounds. What do you think?
  • "I'm scared about what would happen if one of those things was possibly programmed as intended."

    Charles Gurnick Systems Analyst
  • "Are dirt and spills really the biggest problems facing Iraq right now?"

    Craig Banner Asbestos Abatement
  • "If the fear it instilled in my cat is any indication, this machine will be a wild success."

    Daphne Golden Legal Aide

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