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Breaking: ACLU Hard As A Fucking Rock Right Now

NEW YORK—In response to President Trump’s declaration that transgendered Americans would no longer be permitted to serve in the military, the ACLU announced Wednesday that it was hard as a fucking rock right now.

Voter Fraud: Myth Vs. Fact

Concerns over fraudulent voting have grown since the 2016 election, with President Trump himself claiming that millions of people voted illegally. The Onion debunks some common myths about voter fraud.
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Rudy Drops Out

Last Friday, Rudolph Giuliani shook up the New York Senate race when he announced that he would not run against Hillary Clinton due to his recently diagnosed prostate cancer. What do you think about the decision?
  • "As a strong Giuliani supporter, I'm disappointed to see him quit just because he got ball cancer."

    Bill Fordice Construction Worker
  • "That's one senate seat I wouldn't want. It's gonna smell all Moynihanny for years."

    Richard Bottrell Systems Analyst
  • "I guess this means I'll have to scrap my outrageous Capitol Steps send-up, 'Rudolph The Hard-Nosed Committee Chair.'"

    Todd Kinnard Capitol Steps Performer
  • "As a New Yorker, I don't think someone should run for our senate seat unless they actually live in New York. Specifically Manhattan. On the Upper East Side. In the mid-80s. Above the 30th floor. In a corner apartment."

    Liz Green Bond Trader
  • "Madre de Dios! Jewel y Yanni tienen cáncer?"

    Hector Ramirez Cook
  • "Mess with Hillary, get cancer. That's the kind of tough representation I want in Washington."

    Linda Langevin English Teacher

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