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Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Nation’s Sanitation Workers Announce Everything Finally Clean

‘Please Try To Keep It This Way,’ Say Workers

WASHINGTON—After spending years sweeping and scrubbing across all 50 states, the nation’s sanitation workers announced Thursday that everything was finally clean and asked Americans if they could please keep it that way.
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Rumsfeld Under Attack

Donald Rumsfeld is under pressure to resign, first by a cadre of retired generals, now by Senior Democrats for his handling of the war. What do you think?
  • "As a daycare provider, I sympathize with Rumsfeld. 2,500 kids die on your watch and suddenly you're not qualified to do your job?"

    Danielle Bennet Daycare Provider
  • "Strange thing is, internal records say he was fired three years ago."

    Mitch Gunnar Systems Analyst
  • "It's unfair. You don't go to war with the Secretary of Defense you want, you go to war the Secretary of Defense you have."

    Jacob Oakley Teaching Assistant

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Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

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