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Players To Watch In The Sweet 16

The 2017 NCAA Men’s Basketball Tournament has provided thrilling upsets and amazing comebacks in the first two rounds. Onion Sports presents a guide to the 10 players to watch in the Sweet 16.

Archaeologists Uncover Last Human To Die Happy

DEMBECHA, ETHIOPIA—In a startling find that contributes significantly to the understanding of modern man’s evolutionary development, University of Edinburgh archaeologists working in Ethiopia’s Afar Region announced Wednesday that they have uncovered the preserved remains of the last human to die happy.

Report: Grandpa Just Walks Like That Now

CULVER CITY, CA—According to family sources, the prominent limp displayed by local grandpa Marvin Adelstein on Tuesday is indicative of the fact that he just walks like that now.
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Russia Ends Sales Of Weapons To Syria

Sixteen months into a bloody crackdown in Syria that has left an estimated 17,000 dead, Russia has agreed to halt arms shipments to the Assad regime. What do you think?

  • “Ooh, do you think I should stop sending them weapons, too?”

    Ross Pitt Environmental Economist
  • “No amount of revenue is worth having Hillary Clinton mad at you.”

    Caroline Harper Zoologist
  • “That's pretty inconsiderate. What’s the Syrian army supposed to kill people with now?”

    Alphons D’Errico Unemployed
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Archaeologists Uncover Last Human To Die Happy

DEMBECHA, ETHIOPIA—In a startling find that contributes significantly to the understanding of modern man’s evolutionary development, University of Edinburgh archaeologists working in Ethiopia’s Afar Region announced Wednesday that they have uncovered the preserved remains of the last human to die happy.

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