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Man Holding Hands With Pregnant Woman Must Have Weird Fetish

RED BANK, NJ—Testing the limits of what even the most progressive onlookers considered publicly acceptable, a man was seen by multiple witnesses Tuesday holding hands with a visibly pregnant woman in what many could only interpret as the expression of a bizarre fetish.

Grandma Looking Like Absolute Shit Lately

VERO BEACH, FL—Unable to ignore the 86-year-old’s dramatic physical decline since they last saw her, sources within the Delahunt family reported Monday that their grandmother Shirley is looking like absolute shit lately.

A Basic Guide To Dream Interpretation

Dreaming is a universal human experience, and many similar themes arise in people’s dreams the world over. The Onion provides some context for interpreting these common dreams:
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Russia Launches 8 Gerbils, 15 Lizards, Fish Into Space

Analyzing the effects of long-term space travel, Russia launched a capsule into orbit containing mice, geckos, gerbils, snails, fish, and a variety of microogranisms, which will all be monitored for 30 days before returning to Earth, when they’ll be euthanized. What do you think?

  • “Space will prove hard on these animals, but their greatest challenge will be working as a team out there.”

    Dawn Miano Loom Fixer
  • “Those poor microorganisms.”

    Joel Chang Food And Drug Inspector
  • “This is a bold step toward one day sending 14 cats, 3 wolves, and 12 bats to Mars.”

    Rick Bernstein Pedal Assembler

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