adBlockCheck

Recent News

Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Nation’s Sanitation Workers Announce Everything Finally Clean

‘Please Try To Keep It This Way,’ Say Workers

WASHINGTON—After spending years sweeping and scrubbing across all 50 states, the nation’s sanitation workers announced Thursday that everything was finally clean and asked Americans if they could please keep it that way.
End Of Section
  • More News

Russian Hackers Target Water Supply

A water pump in Illinois was damaged when hackers took control of it earlier this month. What do you think?

  • "I wouldn't get too caught up in theories of deliberate sabotage. Water Pump Systems Control for Windows 95 contains tons of glitches."

    Nathan Castle Patch Finisher
  • "Did they use the water pump's birthday to log in? You'd be surprised how often that works."

    Quinn Stephens Unemployed
  • "Perhaps the tourism board should stop using ‘Illinois: Where Hacking Is Easy’ as its overseas marketing slogan."

    Sam Meyer Safety Deposit Supervisor

More from this section

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

Close