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Black Man Out Of Work

WASHINGTON—Joining the ranks of the unemployed at a time when joblessness remains stubbornly high among African Americans, 55-year-old local black man Barack Obama has lost the full-time job he has held for the past eight years, sources confirmed Friday.

Departing Obama Tearfully Shoos Away Loyal Drone Following Him Out Of White House

‘Go On Now, Git,’ Says Former President

WASHINGTON—Stopping and turning around as he made his way across the South Lawn after hearing the unmanned aerial vehicle hovering just feet behind him, outgoing President Barack Obama tearfully shooed away a loyal MQ-9 Reaper drone attempting to follow him out of the White House, sources confirmed Friday.

Jimmy Carter Contemplating Dying Right Here And Now

WASHINGTON—Carefully weighing the pros and cons of each option from his seat onstage at Donald Trump’s inauguration, former president Jimmy Carter is, according to late-breaking reports, currently contemplating dying right here and now.
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Russian Protest Crackdown

Riot police detained more than 200 people at a rally protesting the Kremlin and the Putin government. What do you think?
  • "Can't those people just settle down and enjoy the iron fist of democracy?"

    Sidney Gerber Lab Technician
  • "The thing you have to respect about Putin is that he doesn't send others to do his dirty work; he went out there, knocked those 200 people around, and arrested them himself."

    Violet Klein Rug Cleaner
  • "What can be said? They beat them with sticks. Then they drank together, and embraced, and laughed. They talked of sweet Natalya and her sister Yulia with her copper-red hair. They beat them again."

    Jonas VanDerHeusen Information Boot Attendant

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