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‘The Princess Bride’ By The Numbers

‘The Princess Bride’ was released 30 years ago today, and it has since become a classic beloved by people of all ages. ‘The Onion’ looks back at ‘The Princess Bride’ 30 years later.

National Zoo Announces Giant Pandas To Divorce

WASHINGTON—Assuring the public that the decision was difficult but the right thing to do for all parties involved, the Smithsonian National Zoological Park announced Friday that their giant pandas would be divorcing.

New Climate Change Report Just List Of Years Each Country Becomes Uninhabitable

GENEVA—Stating that the data published within its pages represented the scientific consensus of top researchers around the world, the U.N. Intergovernmental Panel on Climate Change released its annual report this week, which consists solely of an alphabetized list of every country on earth and the years each of them will become uninhabitable.
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Russian Protest Crackdown

Riot police detained more than 200 people at a rally protesting the Kremlin and the Putin government. What do you think?
  • "Can't those people just settle down and enjoy the iron fist of democracy?"

    Sidney Gerber Lab Technician
  • "The thing you have to respect about Putin is that he doesn't send others to do his dirty work; he went out there, knocked those 200 people around, and arrested them himself."

    Violet Klein Rug Cleaner
  • "What can be said? They beat them with sticks. Then they drank together, and embraced, and laughed. They talked of sweet Natalya and her sister Yulia with her copper-red hair. They beat them again."

    Jonas VanDerHeusen Information Boot Attendant

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