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Fermilab Receives Generous Anonymous Particle Donation

BATAVIA, IL—Calling it the most substantial private donation the research facility has received in years, officials at the Fermi National Accelerator Laboratory announced Monday that an anonymous benefactor had given them a generous particle donation.

God Excited About First Trip To Japan

THE HEAVENS—After years of talking about visiting the East Asian country, God, Our Lord and Heavenly Father, told reporters Monday that He was excited to finally be taking His first trip to Japan.
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Russian Protest Crackdown

Riot police detained more than 200 people at a rally protesting the Kremlin and the Putin government. What do you think?
  • "Can't those people just settle down and enjoy the iron fist of democracy?"

    Sidney Gerber Lab Technician
  • "The thing you have to respect about Putin is that he doesn't send others to do his dirty work; he went out there, knocked those 200 people around, and arrested them himself."

    Violet Klein Rug Cleaner
  • "What can be said? They beat them with sticks. Then they drank together, and embraced, and laughed. They talked of sweet Natalya and her sister Yulia with her copper-red hair. They beat them again."

    Jonas VanDerHeusen Information Boot Attendant

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