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Man Holding Hands With Pregnant Woman Must Have Weird Fetish

RED BANK, NJ—Testing the limits of what even the most progressive onlookers considered publicly acceptable, a man was seen by multiple witnesses Tuesday holding hands with a visibly pregnant woman in what many could only interpret as the expression of a bizarre fetish.

Grandma Looking Like Absolute Shit Lately

VERO BEACH, FL—Unable to ignore the 86-year-old’s dramatic physical decline since they last saw her, sources within the Delahunt family reported Monday that their grandmother Shirley is looking like absolute shit lately.

A Basic Guide To Dream Interpretation

Dreaming is a universal human experience, and many similar themes arise in people’s dreams the world over. The Onion provides some context for interpreting these common dreams:
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Russian Protest Crackdown

Riot police detained more than 200 people at a rally protesting the Kremlin and the Putin government. What do you think?
  • "Can't those people just settle down and enjoy the iron fist of democracy?"

    Sidney Gerber Lab Technician
  • "The thing you have to respect about Putin is that he doesn't send others to do his dirty work; he went out there, knocked those 200 people around, and arrested them himself."

    Violet Klein Rug Cleaner
  • "What can be said? They beat them with sticks. Then they drank together, and embraced, and laughed. They talked of sweet Natalya and her sister Yulia with her copper-red hair. They beat them again."

    Jonas VanDerHeusen Information Boot Attendant

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