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Russia's Woes?

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ISIS Starting To Worry New Recruit Huge Psycho

RAQQA, SYRIA—Admitting that the recently arrived jihadist’s disturbing behavior was becoming a serious cause for concern, several ISIS members told reporters Friday they were starting to worry that new recruit Said Hassad was a huge psycho.

National Security Experts: ‘ISIS Are Fucking Assholes’

WASHINGTON—Updating the public about the deadly attacks carried out in Brussels yesterday by members of the Syria-based jihadist group, national security experts held a press conference in Washington this morning to notify Americans that ISIS are fucking assholes.

World Makes Final Attempt To Try To Understand This Shit

BRUSSELS—In the wake of the terrorist attacks in Brussels that left over 30 dead and more than 100 injured, an angry and frustrated global populace collectively announced Tuesday that it would make one last attempt to try to understand this shit.

A Timeline Of U.S.–Cuba Relations

As President Obama visits Cuba in an effort to restore diplomatic ties with the U.S., The Onion looks at pivotal moments in the tension-filled history of U.S.–Cuba relations.

Vatican City Residents Rally To Save St. Peter’s Basilica From Development

VATICAN CITY—Citing its historical significance and the valuable role it plays in the community, residents of Vatican City rallied this week to save St. Peter’s Basilica from being demolished as part of a development project that would convert the site into an expansive residential and retail complex, sources reported.

Saudi Authorities Decry Wasteful 3-Hour Death-Row Appeals Process

RIYADH, SAUDI ARABIA—Criticizing the amount of time and money wasted between a condemned individual’s sentencing and eventual execution, Saudi government officials expressed frustration Monday over the country’s costly three-hour appeals process for convicts facing the death penalty.
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Russia's Woes?

Russia is currently in the grips of the worst economic and political turmoil it has seen since the breakup of the Soviet Union. What do you think about the woeful state of our former enemy?
  • "As a Siberian potato farmer, it's hard for me to adjust to these hard times after so many years of tremendous prosperity."

    Yvgeny Koptev Potato Farmer
  • "Why don't they do one of those Five Year Plans? Those were pretty successful. Except, I guess, for the famine and genocide."

    Craig Sims Systems Analyst
  • "Things are that bad over there, huh? No wonder all my mail-order brides have been sick or dead on arrival."

    Rob Traschel School Psychologist
  • "It's just so awful what has happened over there. I mean, she was the people's princess."

    Lauren Geist Homemaker
  • "We can help support the Russian economy in all sorts of ways: Request Stolichnaya for our screwdrivers. Buy more nesting dolls. Rent Battleship Potemkin."

    Patti Bauer Photographer
  • "The U.S. should not offer any aid to Russia until Nikolai Volkov publicly apologizes for hitting Sergeant Slaughter over the head with that folding chair."

    Timothy Hughes Auto Mechanic

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