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Players To Watch In The Sweet 16

The 2017 NCAA Men’s Basketball Tournament has provided thrilling upsets and amazing comebacks in the first two rounds. Onion Sports presents a guide to the 10 players to watch in the Sweet 16.

Archaeologists Uncover Last Human To Die Happy

DEMBECHA, ETHIOPIA—In a startling find that contributes significantly to the understanding of modern man’s evolutionary development, University of Edinburgh archaeologists working in Ethiopia’s Afar Region announced Wednesday that they have uncovered the preserved remains of the last human to die happy.

Report: Grandpa Just Walks Like That Now

CULVER CITY, CA—According to family sources, the prominent limp displayed by local grandpa Marvin Adelstein on Tuesday is indicative of the fact that he just walks like that now.
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Sandra Day O'Connor Regrets ‘Bush V. Gore’

Former Supreme Court justice Sandra Day O’Connor said the court’s decision to hear the case of Bush v. Gore during the contested 2000 general election may have been a mistake and claimed it harmed the court’s reputation. What do you think?

  • “She should give herself a break. I mean, who hasn’t made a mistake when adjudicating a landmark case?”

    Brant Lowrie Poultry Debeaker
  • “Well, it’s a good thing we don’t let small groups of powerful people influence elections anymore.”

    Sophie Anson Unemployed
  • “Don’t worry about it.”

    Mike Starkey Landscape Drafter
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Archaeologists Uncover Last Human To Die Happy

DEMBECHA, ETHIOPIA—In a startling find that contributes significantly to the understanding of modern man’s evolutionary development, University of Edinburgh archaeologists working in Ethiopia’s Afar Region announced Wednesday that they have uncovered the preserved remains of the last human to die happy.

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