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Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Nation’s Sanitation Workers Announce Everything Finally Clean

‘Please Try To Keep It This Way,’ Say Workers

WASHINGTON—After spending years sweeping and scrubbing across all 50 states, the nation’s sanitation workers announced Thursday that everything was finally clean and asked Americans if they could please keep it that way.
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Sandy's Economic Toll Could Reach $50 Billion

Many analysts are estimating the cost of the devastation and economic disruption caused by Hurricane Sandy at around $20 billion, with some suggesting the economic toll could reach as high as $50 billion. What do you think?

  • “Sure, but those are New York prices.”

    Priscilla Rees Furnace Installer
  • “Ever since the word ‘trillions’ started being flung around in this year’s election, I’m barely able to give a shit about anything in the billions.”

    Alan Cleese Quartermaster
  • “Yeah, but once these storms start coming two or three times a year, I think we’ll probably get the hang of them.”

    Paul Twomey Systems Analyst

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