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Politics

Black Man Out Of Work

WASHINGTON—Joining the ranks of the unemployed at a time when joblessness remains stubbornly high among African Americans, 55-year-old local black man Barack Obama has lost the full-time job he has held for the past eight years, sources confirmed Friday.

Departing Obama Tearfully Shoos Away Loyal Drone Following Him Out Of White House

‘Go On Now, Git,’ Says Former President

WASHINGTON—Stopping and turning around as he made his way across the South Lawn after hearing the unmanned aerial vehicle hovering just feet behind him, outgoing President Barack Obama tearfully shooed away a loyal MQ-9 Reaper drone attempting to follow him out of the White House, sources confirmed Friday.

Jimmy Carter Contemplating Dying Right Here And Now

WASHINGTON—Carefully weighing the pros and cons of each option from his seat onstage at Donald Trump’s inauguration, former president Jimmy Carter is, according to late-breaking reports, currently contemplating dying right here and now.

Biden Opts Out Of Putting Last Few Felonies On Job Application

WASHINGTON—Saying he would be “sitting pretty” if he landed such a primo gig, Vice President Joe Biden reportedly decided Tuesday to leave off several of his most recent felonies while filling out a job application for a blackjack dealer position at the Horseshoe Casino Baltimore.
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Sanford Vows To Complete Term

South Carolina governor Mark Sanford, who disappeared for several days in June to visit his Argentine lover, has stated that he will not resign despite outside pressure to do so. What do you think?
  • "Oh, I see what's going on here, his mistress is only into him because he's a governor."

    Rebecca Spahr Systems Analyst
  • "As someone who always yields to outside pressure, might I say: Governor Sanford, yield to outside pressure."

    Arthur Shea Load Dispatcher
  • "That hot Argentine woman is the one who should resign from whatever it is she did when she wasn't being so sexy! God, she was...so sexy. What were we talking about?"

    Mason Pfau Lumber Estimator

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