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PASADENA, CA—Confirming that several components had broken off the craft and that most of its scientific instruments were no longer operational, officials from NASA’s Jet Propulsion Laboratory announced that Voyager 1, the pioneering space probe launched in 1977, had been severely damaged Thursday after crashing into the end of the universe.

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SANTA MONICA, CA—Suggesting that the disastrous events of three months ago could have been averted, federal investigators stated Wednesday that a trove of leaked documents confirmed high-ranking studio executives had full knowledge of Gods Of Egypt long before the film was released onto unsuspecting Americans.Investigators described those who allowed such a screenplay to be carried out as “extremely sick and heartless individuals.”

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Santorum Bows Out

In the face of a family health crisis and growing resistance from Republican Party leaders, Rick Santorum suspended his presidential campaign. What do you think?

  • "But who’s going to keep my socially destructive feminine impulses in check by making decisions about my body?"

    Kathryn Ryan Car Cooper
  • "That's a shame. I liked his position on human suffering."

    Rich Porter Systems Analyst
  • "If Santorum's looking for work, I have use for a guy who can disparage half the population in a single sentence."

    Mike Saito Hand Roller

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