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Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Nation’s Sanitation Workers Announce Everything Finally Clean

‘Please Try To Keep It This Way,’ Say Workers

WASHINGTON—After spending years sweeping and scrubbing across all 50 states, the nation’s sanitation workers announced Thursday that everything was finally clean and asked Americans if they could please keep it that way.
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Santorum Bows Out

In the face of a family health crisis and growing resistance from Republican Party leaders, Rick Santorum suspended his presidential campaign. What do you think?

  • "But who’s going to keep my socially destructive feminine impulses in check by making decisions about my body?"

    Kathryn Ryan Car Cooper
  • "That's a shame. I liked his position on human suffering."

    Rich Porter Systems Analyst
  • "If Santorum's looking for work, I have use for a guy who can disparage half the population in a single sentence."

    Mike Saito Hand Roller

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