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Players To Watch In The Sweet 16

The 2017 NCAA Men’s Basketball Tournament has provided thrilling upsets and amazing comebacks in the first two rounds. Onion Sports presents a guide to the 10 players to watch in the Sweet 16.

Archaeologists Uncover Last Human To Die Happy

DEMBECHA, ETHIOPIA—In a startling find that contributes significantly to the understanding of modern man’s evolutionary development, University of Edinburgh archaeologists working in Ethiopia’s Afar Region announced Wednesday that they have uncovered the preserved remains of the last human to die happy.

Report: Grandpa Just Walks Like That Now

CULVER CITY, CA—According to family sources, the prominent limp displayed by local grandpa Marvin Adelstein on Tuesday is indicative of the fact that he just walks like that now.
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Santorum Contradicts McCain On ‘Enhanced Interrogation’

In a radio interview Tuesday, presidential hopeful Rick Santorum said he thinks torture critic Sen. John McCain "doesn't understand how enhanced interrogation works." What do you think?

  • "Well, if there's anyone who knows about torture, it's Rick Santorum, who was savagely beaten by 18 percentage points while trying to hold on to his Senate seat in 2006."

    Lilly Cudahy Hand Edge Bander
  • "I think there's an easy fix. Let's just torture him again."

    Todd Cox Vamp Creaser
  • "Who are we to judge? Maybe they just do things differently in Rick Santorum's basement."

    Darren Dixon Unemployed
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Archaeologists Uncover Last Human To Die Happy

DEMBECHA, ETHIOPIA—In a startling find that contributes significantly to the understanding of modern man’s evolutionary development, University of Edinburgh archaeologists working in Ethiopia’s Afar Region announced Wednesday that they have uncovered the preserved remains of the last human to die happy.

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