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Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Nation’s Sanitation Workers Announce Everything Finally Clean

‘Please Try To Keep It This Way,’ Say Workers

WASHINGTON—After spending years sweeping and scrubbing across all 50 states, the nation’s sanitation workers announced Thursday that everything was finally clean and asked Americans if they could please keep it that way.
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Santorum Contradicts McCain On ‘Enhanced Interrogation’

In a radio interview Tuesday, presidential hopeful Rick Santorum said he thinks torture critic Sen. John McCain "doesn't understand how enhanced interrogation works." What do you think?

  • "Well, if there's anyone who knows about torture, it's Rick Santorum, who was savagely beaten by 18 percentage points while trying to hold on to his Senate seat in 2006."

    Lilly Cudahy Hand Edge Bander
  • "I think there's an easy fix. Let's just torture him again."

    Todd Cox Vamp Creaser
  • "Who are we to judge? Maybe they just do things differently in Rick Santorum's basement."

    Darren Dixon Unemployed

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