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Frontier Airlines Tells Customers To Just Fucking Deal With It

‘You’re Uncomfortable For A Few Hours And Then You Get To Be Somewhere Else,’ Says CEO

DENVER—Noting that some discomfort should be expected while traveling to a faraway place in just a few goddamn hours, officials from ultra-low-cost carrier Frontier Airlines reportedly told customers Thursday to just fucking deal with it.

Top Family Vacation Spots

With school out for the summer, families are packing up and hitting the road. Here are The Onion’s top family vacation destinations.

Veteran Given Hero’s Welcome Back To Afghanistan

KABUL, AFGHANISTAN—Waving flags and breaking into cheers the moment they spotted the veteran, dozens of joyous citizens gave Marine Pfc. Victor Rosas, 23, a hero’s welcome back to Afghanistan, sources reported Tuesday.

OB-GYN Assures Serena Williams Fetus Developing Serve On Schedule

WEST PALM BEACH, FL—Observing that the unborn child was producing the smooth, fluid strokes expected in the third trimester, ob-gyn Dr. Theresa Umbers reportedly assured world No. 4–ranked tennis player Serena Williams at an appointment Tuesday that her fetus was developing its serve right on schedule.
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SAT Takers Face Tighter Security

After last year’s scandal involving 20 Long Island students, SAT and ACT test takers will now face increased security measures. What do you think?

  • "That whole standardized test thing is overrated. I never took the SAT, and look at me now: I'm in the newspaper!"

    Cathy Lum Systems Analyst
  • "If you can't trust teenagers to be honest when taking an inexact test that will to a large extent determine their future, who can you trust?"

    Mark MacArthur Refractory Mixer
  • "I paid a guy to take my SAT test for me. He scored very well and ended up getting into a top college. I worked three jobs to pay his tuition. I think he's a doctor now."

    Derek Carlisle Unemployed

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