Satellite To Hit Earth This Week

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‘SportsCenter’ Co-Anchors Clearly Dating

BRISTOL, CT—Saying that the pair could barely take their eyes off one another throughout the hour-long sports news program, ESPN viewers told reporters Friday that it is increasingly clear SportsCenter anchors John Anderson and Matt Barrie are currently dating.

Terrifying Uniformed Bachelorette Party Storms Local Bar

TACOMA, WA—Bursting into the establishment seemingly out of nowhere and overtaking it within a matter of moments, a terrifying uniformed bachelorette party stormed local pub Casey’s Saloon Friday night, onlookers reported.
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Satellite To Hit Earth This Week

A defunct 6-and-a-half-ton climate satellite is scheduled to crash into Earth on Friday, though scientists can't tell exactly when or where just yet. What do you think?

  • "I'd better see where it lands if I'm going to stow away for its next trip."

    John Busner
    Prison Guard
  • “I better put the storm windows in. My wife’ll kill me if space debris tears one of our screens.”

    Simon Dykes
    Plant Guide
  • "Oh, wow, this is so much fun. My guess: Saskatchewan, 2:18 p.m., Friday. One death."

    Darcy Bloom
    Unemployed
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