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Keys To The Matchup: Packers vs. Falcons

The NFC Championship Game pits the Atlanta Falcons against the Green Bay Packers for the rare chance to play a meaningful game in Houston. Onion Sports breaks down what each team must do to win.

Black Man Out Of Work

WASHINGTON—Joining the ranks of the unemployed at a time when joblessness remains stubbornly high among African Americans, 55-year-old local black man Barack Obama has lost the full-time job he has held for the past eight years, sources confirmed Friday.

Departing Obama Tearfully Shoos Away Loyal Drone Following Him Out Of White House

‘Go On Now, Git,’ Says Former President

WASHINGTON—Stopping and turning around as he made his way across the South Lawn after hearing the unmanned aerial vehicle hovering just feet behind him, outgoing President Barack Obama tearfully shooed away a loyal MQ-9 Reaper drone attempting to follow him out of the White House, sources confirmed Friday.
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Saudi Cleric: Driving Harms Women’s Ovaries

Prominent Saudi cleric Sheikh Saleh Al-Loheidan claimed that medical studies showed how driving automobiles damaged women’s ovaries and pelvises and, if performed often enough, could result in their children being born with “clinical problems.” What do you think?

  • “It is true. I, too, suffer from driver’s womb.”

    Pamela Fortin Videographer
  • “This is progress. He’s acknowledging that women are human beings, with pelvises, just like everyone else!”

    Fran Cain Dental Hygienist
  • “Poor Danica Patrick.”

    Jose Ortega Systems Analyst

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