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Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Nation’s Sanitation Workers Announce Everything Finally Clean

‘Please Try To Keep It This Way,’ Say Workers

WASHINGTON—After spending years sweeping and scrubbing across all 50 states, the nation’s sanitation workers announced Thursday that everything was finally clean and asked Americans if they could please keep it that way.
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Savings Lowest Since The Depression

Personal savings in the United States is the lowest it's been since the Depression. What do you think?
  • Who's the greatest generation now, suckers?

    Bart Gander Office Supplies Salesman
  • I watched my Dad die from saving and decided that wasn't going to be me.

    Jenny Rautenberg Real Estate Broker
  • Personal savings be damned. My shopping habits are the only reason we haven't been attacked again by the terrorists.

    Frank Martin Systems Analyst

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