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Black Man Out Of Work

WASHINGTON—Joining the ranks of the unemployed at a time when joblessness remains stubbornly high among African Americans, 55-year-old local black man Barack Obama has lost the full-time job he has held for the past eight years, sources confirmed Friday.

Departing Obama Tearfully Shoos Away Loyal Drone Following Him Out Of White House

‘Go On Now, Git,’ Says Former President

WASHINGTON—Stopping and turning around as he made his way across the South Lawn after hearing the unmanned aerial vehicle hovering just feet behind him, outgoing President Barack Obama tearfully shooed away a loyal MQ-9 Reaper drone attempting to follow him out of the White House, sources confirmed Friday.

Jimmy Carter Contemplating Dying Right Here And Now

WASHINGTON—Carefully weighing the pros and cons of each option from his seat onstage at Donald Trump’s inauguration, former president Jimmy Carter is, according to late-breaking reports, currently contemplating dying right here and now.
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SC Sex Toy Ban Proposed

South Carolina is reviewing a bill that would ban the sale of sex toys, joining such states as Alabama, Georgia, Mississippi and Texas. What do you think?
  • "I guess it's just a matter of time before cucumbers and carrots are sold behind the produce counter."

    Kyle Lieberman File Clerk
  • "I'm no conservative, but I fear that with our increasing dependence on technology, Americans will lose the skills required to masturbate manually."

    Derek Philbrick Bodybuilder
  • "Look, either leave us sex toys or sodomy. You can't prohibit both."

    Jill Kanaus Grant Writer

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