adBlockCheck

Recent News

Fermilab Receives Generous Anonymous Particle Donation

BATAVIA, IL—Calling it the most substantial private donation the research facility has received in years, officials at the Fermi National Accelerator Laboratory announced Monday that an anonymous benefactor had given them a generous particle donation.

God Excited About First Trip To Japan

THE HEAVENS—After years of talking about visiting the East Asian country, God, Our Lord and Heavenly Father, told reporters Monday that He was excited to finally be taking His first trip to Japan.
End Of Section
  • More News

SC Sex Toy Ban Proposed

South Carolina is reviewing a bill that would ban the sale of sex toys, joining such states as Alabama, Georgia, Mississippi and Texas. What do you think?
  • "I guess it's just a matter of time before cucumbers and carrots are sold behind the produce counter."

    Kyle Lieberman File Clerk
  • "I'm no conservative, but I fear that with our increasing dependence on technology, Americans will lose the skills required to masturbate manually."

    Derek Philbrick Bodybuilder
  • "Look, either leave us sex toys or sodomy. You can't prohibit both."

    Jill Kanaus Grant Writer

More from this section

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

Close