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‘The Princess Bride’ By The Numbers

‘The Princess Bride’ was released 30 years ago today, and it has since become a classic beloved by people of all ages. ‘The Onion’ looks back at ‘The Princess Bride’ 30 years later.

National Zoo Announces Giant Pandas To Divorce

WASHINGTON—Assuring the public that the decision was difficult but the right thing to do for all parties involved, the Smithsonian National Zoological Park announced Friday that their giant pandas would be divorcing.

New Climate Change Report Just List Of Years Each Country Becomes Uninhabitable

GENEVA—Stating that the data published within its pages represented the scientific consensus of top researchers around the world, the U.N. Intergovernmental Panel on Climate Change released its annual report this week, which consists solely of an alphabetized list of every country on earth and the years each of them will become uninhabitable.
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SC Sex Toy Ban Proposed

South Carolina is reviewing a bill that would ban the sale of sex toys, joining such states as Alabama, Georgia, Mississippi and Texas. What do you think?
  • "I guess it's just a matter of time before cucumbers and carrots are sold behind the produce counter."

    Kyle Lieberman File Clerk
  • "I'm no conservative, but I fear that with our increasing dependence on technology, Americans will lose the skills required to masturbate manually."

    Derek Philbrick Bodybuilder
  • "Look, either leave us sex toys or sodomy. You can't prohibit both."

    Jill Kanaus Grant Writer

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