SC Voters Forgive Sanford For ‘Appalachian Trail’ Affair

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Vol 49 Issue 19

Dog Owners Have Healthier Hearts

The American Heart Association officially announced that people who owned pets, particularly dogs, appeared to have a reduced risk of heart disease and had better survival rates than those without pets.

New to the market!

Lovely two-bedroom, one-bath condo, carefully renovated to retain the intoxicating scent of previous tenant Lisa.

Man Does Good Job Getting Drunk

ETNA, PA—Moments after watching him finish his fifth alcoholic beverage at the Crow’s Nest Bar and Grill Thursday night, sources reported local man Chris Serna, 32, had completed the task of getting drunk with a high degree of efficiency and s...
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Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

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FIFA Frantically Announces 2015 Summer World Cup In United States

ZURICH—After the Justice Department indicted numerous executives from world soccer’s governing body on charges of corruption and bribery, frantic and visibly nervous officials from FIFA held an impromptu press conference Wednesday to announce that the United States has been selected to host this summer’s 2015 World Cup.

SC Voters Forgive Sanford For ‘Appalachian Trail’ Affair

Four years after famously lying to his staff and constituents that he was hiking the Appalachian Trail, when in actuality he was visiting his secret Argentine lover, former South Carolina governor Mark Sanford won a special congressional election yesterday. What do you think?

  • “It’s a sad day for our country when elections are no longer decided by how many affairs each candidate has had.”

    Steph Brackhagen
    Toe And Heel Laster
  • “Well, if we can count on South Carolina voters for one thing, it’s making the right decision.”

    Jean-Pierre Fontaine
    Systems Analyst
  • “Did he ever get a chance to check out that trail? I hear it’s beautiful.”

    Kenneth Roger
    Tow Truck Driver
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