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Black Man Out Of Work

WASHINGTON—Joining the ranks of the unemployed at a time when joblessness remains stubbornly high among African Americans, 55-year-old local black man Barack Obama has lost the full-time job he has held for the past eight years, sources confirmed Friday.

Departing Obama Tearfully Shoos Away Loyal Drone Following Him Out Of White House

‘Go On Now, Git,’ Says Former President

WASHINGTON—Stopping and turning around as he made his way across the South Lawn after hearing the unmanned aerial vehicle hovering just feet behind him, outgoing President Barack Obama tearfully shooed away a loyal MQ-9 Reaper drone attempting to follow him out of the White House, sources confirmed Friday.

Jimmy Carter Contemplating Dying Right Here And Now

WASHINGTON—Carefully weighing the pros and cons of each option from his seat onstage at Donald Trump’s inauguration, former president Jimmy Carter is, according to late-breaking reports, currently contemplating dying right here and now.
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SC Voters Forgive Sanford For ‘Appalachian Trail’ Affair

Four years after famously lying to his staff and constituents that he was hiking the Appalachian Trail, when in actuality he was visiting his secret Argentine lover, former South Carolina governor Mark Sanford won a special congressional election yesterday. What do you think?

  • “It’s a sad day for our country when elections are no longer decided by how many affairs each candidate has had.”

    Steph Brackhagen Toe And Heel Laster
  • “Well, if we can count on South Carolina voters for one thing, it’s making the right decision.”

    Jean-Pierre Fontaine Systems Analyst
  • “Did he ever get a chance to check out that trail? I hear it’s beautiful.”

    Kenneth Roger Tow Truck Driver

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