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SC Voters Forgive Sanford For ‘Appalachian Trail’ Affair

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360 Tour: Inside The RNC

The Onion invites you to explore our view from the floor of the 2016 Republican National Convention in Cleveland.

Good Guy With Gun, Bad Guy With Gun Both Excited To Unload Firearm In Crowd Outside Arena

CLEVELAND—As each of them looked around at the people gathered outside Quicken Loans Arena and fantasized about unholstering their weapon and taking aim directly at others, both a good guy with a gun and a bad guy with a gun attending the Republican National Convention reportedly worked themselves into a heightened state of excitement Thursday at the thought of unloading their firearm into the crowd.

Bob Dole Picked Off By Large Hawk Circling Arena Parking Lot

CLEVELAND—Describing how the bird of prey suddenly dived down from the sky at high velocity, sources confirmed Thursday that former GOP presidential nominee Bob Dole was picked off by a large red-tailed hawk circling above the Quicken Loans Arena parking lot.
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SC Voters Forgive Sanford For ‘Appalachian Trail’ Affair

Four years after famously lying to his staff and constituents that he was hiking the Appalachian Trail, when in actuality he was visiting his secret Argentine lover, former South Carolina governor Mark Sanford won a special congressional election yesterday. What do you think?

  • “It’s a sad day for our country when elections are no longer decided by how many affairs each candidate has had.”

    Steph Brackhagen Toe And Heel Laster
  • “Well, if we can count on South Carolina voters for one thing, it’s making the right decision.”

    Jean-Pierre Fontaine Systems Analyst
  • “Did he ever get a chance to check out that trail? I hear it’s beautiful.”

    Kenneth Roger Tow Truck Driver

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