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Fermilab Receives Generous Anonymous Particle Donation

BATAVIA, IL—Calling it the most substantial private donation the research facility has received in years, officials at the Fermi National Accelerator Laboratory announced Monday that an anonymous benefactor had given them a generous particle donation.

God Excited About First Trip To Japan

THE HEAVENS—After years of talking about visiting the East Asian country, God, Our Lord and Heavenly Father, told reporters Monday that He was excited to finally be taking His first trip to Japan.
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School Accused of Using Laptops To Spy on Students

A suburban Philadelphia high school is being sued for giving students laptops with cameras and then remotely activating them. What do you think?
  • "Come on, those kids didn't think that they could just have a free laptop without having to give a little something in return, did they?"

    Rick Tibet Systems Analyst
  • "My kid's school tried the same thing, but budget cuts forced them to use disposable cameras taped to math books instead."

    Paola Stapleton Security Officer
  • "My God, this is just like Bentham's Panopticon! Or maybe VoyeurDorm.com. One of those."

    Cliff McDowell Restaurant Manager

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