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Breaking: ACLU Hard As A Fucking Rock Right Now

NEW YORK—In response to President Trump’s declaration that transgendered Americans would no longer be permitted to serve in the military, the ACLU announced Wednesday that it was hard as a fucking rock right now.

Voter Fraud: Myth Vs. Fact

Concerns over fraudulent voting have grown since the 2016 election, with President Trump himself claiming that millions of people voted illegally. The Onion debunks some common myths about voter fraud.
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School Monitors Student Blogs

A school district in Illinois is going to monitor students’ blogs and MySpace profiles for "illegal and inappropriate behavior." What do you think?
  • "Yay! Now they definitely won't have enough time to monitor the boiler-room and under the gymnasium bleachers."

    Todd Grubman Intern
  • "Oh, so if I cruise MySpace looking for information on children, I'm a pervert, but if a school district does it, they're being responsible."

    Lisa Hruska Housewife
  • "Finally we can move on to the next item on the district's agenda: The spectacular lack of learning going on in the classroom."

    Holden Rasche Customs Officer

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