adBlockCheck

School Shootings

Top Headlines

Recent News

Voyager Probe Badly Damaged After Smashing Into End Of Universe

PASADENA, CA—Confirming that several components had broken off the craft and that most of its scientific instruments were no longer operational, officials from NASA’s Jet Propulsion Laboratory announced that Voyager 1, the pioneering space probe launched in 1977, had been severely damaged Thursday after crashing into the end of the universe.

Leaked Documents Reveal Studio Executives Knew About ‘Gods Of Egypt’ Before It Released Onto Public

SANTA MONICA, CA—Suggesting that the disastrous events of three months ago could have been averted, federal investigators stated Wednesday that a trove of leaked documents confirmed high-ranking studio executives had full knowledge of Gods Of Egypt long before the film was released onto unsuspecting Americans.Investigators described those who allowed such a screenplay to be carried out as “extremely sick and heartless individuals.”

Books Vs. E-Readers

Though e-readers have increasingly supplanted books in the digital age, many bibliophiles defend the importance of physical texts. Here is a side-by-side comparison of physical books and e-books
End Of Section
  • More News
Up Next

School Shootings

On May 21, Springfield, OR, 15-year-old Kip Kinkel opened fire in his high-school, killing two students and wounding 22 others. What do you think about the recent rash of school shootings?
  • "I have no idea what would drive a young person like Kip Kinkel to hate and kill. Unless, of course, it's his fruity-ass name."

    Benjamin Reed Optometrist
  • "Something must be done: Our white kids are dying."

    Stephanie Piersall Systems Analyst
  • "What 15-year-old doesn't dream of taking out his whole class? And who are we to tell a child not to pursue his dreams?"

    Darrell Oliver Cartographer
  • "It's obvious that what America needs today is Jim Belushi as The Principal."

    Greg Goff Waiter
  • "These kids should settle their differences with a heart-to-heart teen rap session."

    Kendra Schmidt Guidance Counselor
  • "Kids shooting kids with rifles? What has this world come to? A snub-nose .45 offers much better stopping power."

    Stephen Loring Graphic Designer

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

X Close