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What You Need To Know About Last Night’s Oscars Debacle

Many viewers were left wondering about the sequence of events that led to the initial erroneous declaration of ‘La La Land’ as the Best Picture winner at the Academy Awards Sunday instead of the real winner, ‘Moonlight’. The Onion breaks down what you need to know about this fiasco.

God Sick Of New Angel’s Annoying Fucking Voice

THE HEAVENS—Calling the sound a “cross between a train whistle and a dying goat,” God, Our Lord And Heavenly Father, told reporters Monday that He was already sick of a new angel’s “incredibly fucking annoying voice.

Brad Pitt Sidelined 6 To 8 Weeks With Red Carpet Toe

LOS ANGELES—Saying doctors strongly recommended that he stay off the injured foot, representatives for Brad Pitt confirmed to reporters Sunday that the actor was sidelined six to eight weeks with a case of red carpet toe.

The Onion’s 2017 Oscar Picks

The 89th Academy Awards features a more diverse slate of film and actor nominees than in past years, though the ceremony could still field #OscarsSoWhite criticism. Here are The Onion’s picks for who should take home the coveted Oscar statuettes:
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School Shootings

On May 21, Springfield, OR, 15-year-old Kip Kinkel opened fire in his high-school, killing two students and wounding 22 others. What do you think about the recent rash of school shootings?
  • "I have no idea what would drive a young person like Kip Kinkel to hate and kill. Unless, of course, it's his fruity-ass name."

    Benjamin Reed Optometrist
  • "Something must be done: Our white kids are dying."

    Stephanie Piersall Systems Analyst
  • "What 15-year-old doesn't dream of taking out his whole class? And who are we to tell a child not to pursue his dreams?"

    Darrell Oliver Cartographer
  • "It's obvious that what America needs today is Jim Belushi as The Principal."

    Greg Goff Waiter
  • "These kids should settle their differences with a heart-to-heart teen rap session."

    Kendra Schmidt Guidance Counselor
  • "Kids shooting kids with rifles? What has this world come to? A snub-nose .45 offers much better stopping power."

    Stephen Loring Graphic Designer
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God Sick Of New Angel’s Annoying Fucking Voice

THE HEAVENS—Calling the sound a “cross between a train whistle and a dying goat,” God, Our Lord And Heavenly Father, told reporters Monday that He was already sick of a new angel’s “incredibly fucking annoying voice.

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