School Shootings

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BRISTOL, CT—Saying that the pair could barely take their eyes off one another throughout the hour-long sports news program, ESPN viewers told reporters Friday that it is increasingly clear SportsCenter anchors John Anderson and Matt Barrie are currently dating.

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Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

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  • The Onion’s Guide To Beach Etiquette

    The arrival of summer means that the nation’s beaches will soon be crowded with swimmers, tanners, surfers, and more, so it’s important for everyone to be conscious of each other’s space and needs. Here are some etiquette tips to ensure that everyone has a safe and relaxing time at the beach:

School Shootings

On May 21, Springfield, OR, 15-year-old Kip Kinkel opened fire in his high-school, killing two students and wounding 22 others. What do you think about the recent rash of school shootings?
  • "I have no idea what would drive a young person like Kip Kinkel to hate and kill. Unless, of course, it's his fruity-ass name."

    Benjamin Reed
    Optometrist
  • "Something must be done: Our white kids are dying."

    Stephanie Piersall
    Systems Analyst
  • "What 15-year-old doesn't dream of taking out his whole class? And who are we to tell a child not to pursue his dreams?"

    Darrell Oliver
    Cartographer
  • "It's obvious that what America needs today is Jim Belushi as The Principal."

    Greg Goff
    Waiter
  • "These kids should settle their differences with a heart-to-heart teen rap session."

    Kendra Schmidt
    Guidance Counselor
  • "Kids shooting kids with rifles? What has this world come to? A snub-nose .45 offers much better stopping power."

    Stephen Loring
    Graphic Designer
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