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Journeyman Fan Joins Sixth NFL Team In 5 Years

HELENA, MT—Continuing his lengthy trek around the league, sources confirmed Friday that 36-year-old journeyman fan Brian Ferretti has joined the Arizona Cardinals, his sixth team in the past five years.

Is The Nation Ready For The Next Katrina?

Friday marks the 10-year anniversary of when Hurricane Katrina devastated New Orleans, and many commentators have argued that not enough has been done over the past decade to address infrastructure and emergency response issues that could put coastal cities nationwide, including New Orleans, at risk of a catastrophe on a similar scale. Is the nation prepared for another Katrina?

Department Of Labor Study Confirms Your Job Most Demanding

‘None Of Your Friends Understand How Hard It Is,’ Report Reads

WASHINGTON—Noting that the level of mental strain associated with the profession was far and away the highest recorded, a federal study on workplace conditions and occupational stress released Thursday has confirmed that your job is the most demanding career in the entire nation, and that none of your friends or family fully understand how hard it is.

Neighborhood Starting To Get Too Safe For Family To Afford

CHICAGO—Explaining that the sense of unease she felt walking to and from her home had declined markedly over the years, Humboldt Park resident Kirsten Healy expressed her disappointment to reporters Thursday that her neighborhood was becoming too safe for her family to afford.
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School Shootings

On May 21, Springfield, OR, 15-year-old Kip Kinkel opened fire in his high-school, killing two students and wounding 22 others. What do you think about the recent rash of school shootings?
  • "I have no idea what would drive a young person like Kip Kinkel to hate and kill. Unless, of course, it's his fruity-ass name."

    Benjamin Reed
    Optometrist
  • "Something must be done: Our white kids are dying."

    Stephanie Piersall
    Systems Analyst
  • "What 15-year-old doesn't dream of taking out his whole class? And who are we to tell a child not to pursue his dreams?"

    Darrell Oliver
    Cartographer
  • "It's obvious that what America needs today is Jim Belushi as The Principal."

    Greg Goff
    Waiter
  • "These kids should settle their differences with a heart-to-heart teen rap session."

    Kendra Schmidt
    Guidance Counselor
  • "Kids shooting kids with rifles? What has this world come to? A snub-nose .45 offers much better stopping power."

    Stephen Loring
    Graphic Designer