Science Disproves Vampires

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Man Races Against Time To Take Out Trash Bag With Widening Puncture

RIO RANCHO, NM—His pace steadily quickening as he rounded the corner out of his kitchen and made a beeline for the front door, local man Henry Parnasse reportedly found himself locked in a race against time Wednesday morning to take out a trash bag with a widening hole in its side.

Tips For Traveling With Young Children

Family vacations can be a time for bonding and building lasting memories, but when young children are involved, trips can also be stressful to plan and execute. Here are The Onion’s tips for traveling with kids
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Science Disproves Vampires

Florida physics professor Costas Efthimiou has devised a simple mathematical proof stating that vampires cannot exist. What do you think?
  • “So I've been sleeping all day in a coffin, hanging upside down in a cave lair, and drinking human blood for nothing?”

    Michael Poole
    Bog Limnologist
  • “I wish I had tenure. If I spent all my time in the warehouse thinking up crap like that, I'd get canned in a heartbeat.”

    Bobbi Delaney
    Fabricator
  • “This news will likely hit The Count the hardest. Destroyed by the very numbers he loves.”

    Gavin Jacobson
    Machinist