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Brad Pitt Sidelined 6 To 8 Weeks With Red Carpet Toe

LOS ANGELES—Saying doctors strongly recommended that he stay off the injured foot, representatives for Brad Pitt confirmed to reporters Sunday that the actor was sidelined six to eight weeks with a case of red carpet toe.

The Onion’s 2017 Oscar Picks

The 89th Academy Awards features a more diverse slate of film and actor nominees than in past years, though the ceremony could still field #OscarsSoWhite criticism. Here are The Onion’s picks for who should take home the coveted Oscar statuettes:
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Scientist: Cats View Owners As Large Cats

In his new book Cat Sense, British biologist and animal behavior expert John Bradshaw argues that domestic cats view their owners as large, non-hostile cats, such as a mother cat or an older, larger relative. What do you think?

  • “It’s nice to know my fetish has some grounding in science.”

    Francine Langham Beet Farmer
  • “Yes, and when humans look at cats, we see tiny, 2-foot-tall human beings. This is all common knowledge.”

    Ronald Doucett Unemployed
  • “Idiots.”

    Ivan Harrold Naturopathic Physician
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