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Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Nation’s Sanitation Workers Announce Everything Finally Clean

‘Please Try To Keep It This Way,’ Say Workers

WASHINGTON—After spending years sweeping and scrubbing across all 50 states, the nation’s sanitation workers announced Thursday that everything was finally clean and asked Americans if they could please keep it that way.
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Scientist Claims Aliens Hijacked Probe

A German scientist told the newspaper Bild that the reason transmissions from deep space probe Voyager 2 changed last month is because the craft has been taken over by aliens. What do you think?

  • "The aliens reprogrammed the probe? They sound like giant nerds."

    Jake Bannon Billing-Control Clerk
  • "That guy's an idiot. Everyone knows that aliens' hands are much too slimy and slippery to take over the controls of a spacecraft."

    Olivia Kimball Dance Instructor
  • "That’s all I need to hear! I don’t think you can really argue with the first nutso theory a German guy tosses out there."

    Ethan Strickland Gang Boss

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