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Scientist Names Ancient Lizard After Obama

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Good Guy With Gun, Bad Guy With Gun Both Excited To Unload Firearm In Crowd Outside Arena

CLEVELAND—As each of them looked around at the people gathered outside Quicken Loans Arena and fantasized about unholstering their weapon and taking aim directly at others, both a good guy with a gun and a bad guy with a gun attending the Republican National Convention reportedly worked themselves into a heightened state of excitement Thursday at the thought of unloading their firearm into the crowd.

Bob Dole Picked Off By Large Hawk Circling Arena Parking Lot

CLEVELAND—Describing how the bird of prey suddenly dived down from the sky at high velocity, sources confirmed Thursday that former GOP presidential nominee Bob Dole was picked off by a large red-tailed hawk circling above the Quicken Loans Arena parking lot.
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Scientist Names Ancient Lizard After Obama

In honor of President Barack Obama, a Yale University scientist has bestowed the name Obamadon gracilis on a species of ancient lizard that was less than a foot in length and went extinct around the same time as the dinosaurs. What do you think?

  • “To think it was only a couple months ago that we were all wondering, ‘Who will win this election so that we can finally name that lizard?’”

    Gabriela Scadato Toxicologist
  • “And still not so much as an iguana named after Chuck Schumer. Disgraceful.”

    Sully Jaggars Lettuce Trimmer
  • “Yeah, I thought about naming my cat Obama, but he just looked more like a ‘Puff,’ you know?”

    Charlie Panagos Lace Weaver

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