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Black Man Out Of Work

WASHINGTON—Joining the ranks of the unemployed at a time when joblessness remains stubbornly high among African Americans, 55-year-old local black man Barack Obama has lost the full-time job he has held for the past eight years, sources confirmed Friday.

Departing Obama Tearfully Shoos Away Loyal Drone Following Him Out Of White House

‘Go On Now, Git,’ Says Former President

WASHINGTON—Stopping and turning around as he made his way across the South Lawn after hearing the unmanned aerial vehicle hovering just feet behind him, outgoing President Barack Obama tearfully shooed away a loyal MQ-9 Reaper drone attempting to follow him out of the White House, sources confirmed Friday.

Jimmy Carter Contemplating Dying Right Here And Now

WASHINGTON—Carefully weighing the pros and cons of each option from his seat onstage at Donald Trump’s inauguration, former president Jimmy Carter is, according to late-breaking reports, currently contemplating dying right here and now.
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Scientist Names Ancient Lizard After Obama

In honor of President Barack Obama, a Yale University scientist has bestowed the name Obamadon gracilis on a species of ancient lizard that was less than a foot in length and went extinct around the same time as the dinosaurs. What do you think?

  • “To think it was only a couple months ago that we were all wondering, ‘Who will win this election so that we can finally name that lizard?’”

    Gabriela Scadato Toxicologist
  • “And still not so much as an iguana named after Chuck Schumer. Disgraceful.”

    Sully Jaggars Lettuce Trimmer
  • “Yeah, I thought about naming my cat Obama, but he just looked more like a ‘Puff,’ you know?”

    Charlie Panagos Lace Weaver

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