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Man Holding Hands With Pregnant Woman Must Have Weird Fetish

RED BANK, NJ—Testing the limits of what even the most progressive onlookers considered publicly acceptable, a man was seen by multiple witnesses Tuesday holding hands with a visibly pregnant woman in what many could only interpret as the expression of a bizarre fetish.

Grandma Looking Like Absolute Shit Lately

VERO BEACH, FL—Unable to ignore the 86-year-old’s dramatic physical decline since they last saw her, sources within the Delahunt family reported Monday that their grandmother Shirley is looking like absolute shit lately.

A Basic Guide To Dream Interpretation

Dreaming is a universal human experience, and many similar themes arise in people’s dreams the world over. The Onion provides some context for interpreting these common dreams:
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Scientist: Yetis Real, Related To Polar Bears

According to a geneticist, DNA collected from two pelts, which Himalayan residents believe to be those of yetis, matched DNA from a species of ancient polar bear, with the scientist positing that yetis exist and are likely a hybrid form of polar bear and brown bear. What do you think?

  • “That’s what I’ve been trying to convince everyone for years: that I once saw a slightly different type of bear than usual.”

    Andres Elfstrand Textile Restorer
  • “Wait until they tell us the Loch Ness monster is also just a polar bear.”

    Alisa Cohagan Demolition Specialist
  • “Listen, I have a lot to say about yetis and I’d love to talk about this, but I need to catch this bus.”

    Emilio Humber Lens Grinder

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