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What You Need To Know About Last Night’s Oscars Debacle

Many viewers were left wondering about the sequence of events that led to the initial erroneous declaration of ‘La La Land’ as the Best Picture winner at the Academy Awards Sunday instead of the real winner, ‘Moonlight’. The Onion breaks down what you need to know about this fiasco.

God Sick Of New Angel’s Annoying Fucking Voice

THE HEAVENS—Calling the sound a “cross between a train whistle and a dying goat,” God, Our Lord And Heavenly Father, told reporters Monday that He was already sick of a new angel’s “incredibly fucking annoying voice.

Brad Pitt Sidelined 6 To 8 Weeks With Red Carpet Toe

LOS ANGELES—Saying doctors strongly recommended that he stay off the injured foot, representatives for Brad Pitt confirmed to reporters Sunday that the actor was sidelined six to eight weeks with a case of red carpet toe.

The Onion’s 2017 Oscar Picks

The 89th Academy Awards features a more diverse slate of film and actor nominees than in past years, though the ceremony could still field #OscarsSoWhite criticism. Here are The Onion’s picks for who should take home the coveted Oscar statuettes:
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Scientist: Yetis Real, Related To Polar Bears

According to a geneticist, DNA collected from two pelts, which Himalayan residents believe to be those of yetis, matched DNA from a species of ancient polar bear, with the scientist positing that yetis exist and are likely a hybrid form of polar bear and brown bear. What do you think?

  • “That’s what I’ve been trying to convince everyone for years: that I once saw a slightly different type of bear than usual.”

    Andres Elfstrand Textile Restorer
  • “Wait until they tell us the Loch Ness monster is also just a polar bear.”

    Alisa Cohagan Demolition Specialist
  • “Listen, I have a lot to say about yetis and I’d love to talk about this, but I need to catch this bus.”

    Emilio Humber Lens Grinder
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