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Fermilab Receives Generous Anonymous Particle Donation

BATAVIA, IL—Calling it the most substantial private donation the research facility has received in years, officials at the Fermi National Accelerator Laboratory announced Monday that an anonymous benefactor had given them a generous particle donation.

God Excited About First Trip To Japan

THE HEAVENS—After years of talking about visiting the East Asian country, God, Our Lord and Heavenly Father, told reporters Monday that He was excited to finally be taking His first trip to Japan.
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Scientists Approve Gene Editing In Embryos

A 21-member science policy committee has determined it is ethically sound to one day genetically edit human embryos, though only to prevent disease and disability when no “reasonable alternative” is available. What do you think?

  • “Twenty-one people can’t be wrong!”

    Phil Natoli Urban Cartographer
  • “Good. I’m not gestating for 40 weeks only to be disappointed by some shitty hair color.”

    Trish Decker Faucet Installer
  • “I just want to give my children all the opportunities to be engineered that I never had.”

    Landon Birch Billboard Censor

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