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Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Nation’s Sanitation Workers Announce Everything Finally Clean

‘Please Try To Keep It This Way,’ Say Workers

WASHINGTON—After spending years sweeping and scrubbing across all 50 states, the nation’s sanitation workers announced Thursday that everything was finally clean and asked Americans if they could please keep it that way.
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Scientists Augment Brain With Computer

Scientists at Tel Aviv University have implanted an artificial cerebellum in rats that can restore functioning to those with damaged brains. What do you think?

  • “I have no idea what they're trying to do, but I'm guessing it's not going to end well for the Palestinians.”

    Beth Parsons Systems Analyst
  • “It sounds like they stopped trying to solve the whole cancer thing in favor of working on this, which I support because my brain is damaged.”

    Peter Thompson High Rigger
  • “Now let someone try to stop me from hitting myself in the head with this log.”

    Wallace Jackson Unemployed

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