adBlockCheck

Recent News

Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Nation’s Sanitation Workers Announce Everything Finally Clean

‘Please Try To Keep It This Way,’ Say Workers

WASHINGTON—After spending years sweeping and scrubbing across all 50 states, the nation’s sanitation workers announced Thursday that everything was finally clean and asked Americans if they could please keep it that way.
End Of Section
  • More News

Scientists Create Hydrating, ‘Hangover-Free’ Beer

Australian scientists have infused light beer with electrolytes to create a beverage that is three times more effective at hydrating the drinker than regular beer, thereby reducing the likelihood and severity of a hangover the next morning. What do you think?

  • “Sadly, this news comes seven hours too late for me.”

    Gerald Weisinger Theater Projectionist
  • “Good. I’m sick of getting hydrated without the buzz.”

    Toni Molen Orchard Pruner
  • “But the hangover is the best part!”

    Joseph Lucek Sieve Maker

More from this section

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

Close