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Scientists Discover 99% Of NFL Players’ Brains Slimy

SEATTLE—In a major advancement of the ongoing effort to better understand the specific neurobiology of these athletes, a new study released Wednesday by scientists at the University Of Washington revealed that 99 percent of NFL players’ brains are slimy.

Man Knows Exactly Which Asshole Got Him Sick

SARATOGA SPRINGS, NY—Immediately realizing the genesis of the fever and sore throat that left him feeling like shit, 30-year-old local man Edward Mosley told reporters Tuesday that he knows exactly which asshole got him sick.

How Gerrymandering Works

The Supreme Court is considering a case regarding the partisan gerrymandering of districts in Wisconsin, which could change the way maps are drawn across the country. Here is a step-by-step guide to how Gerrymandering works.
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Scientists Create Lab-Grown Meat

Dutch scientists have started using stem cells to grow muscle tissue in hopes of producing the first-ever synthetic-meat hamburger later this year. What do you think?

  • “How many more times do you have to whack the cow with a sledgehammer before the stem cells come out?”

    Gilbert Avila Filters Assembler
  • “Meat raised in laboratory petri dishes? With never an opportunity to roam a stainless-steel surface, or to experience the light and warmth of the autoclave? That's just cruel.”

    Don Bartek Tower Erector
  • “It’s just unethical for scientists to play God, and frankly a little distasteful for them to play farmer, too.”

    Sandra Graves Compounder

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