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Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Nation’s Sanitation Workers Announce Everything Finally Clean

‘Please Try To Keep It This Way,’ Say Workers

WASHINGTON—After spending years sweeping and scrubbing across all 50 states, the nation’s sanitation workers announced Thursday that everything was finally clean and asked Americans if they could please keep it that way.
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Scientists Create Lab-Grown Meat

Dutch scientists have started using stem cells to grow muscle tissue in hopes of producing the first-ever synthetic-meat hamburger later this year. What do you think?

  • “How many more times do you have to whack the cow with a sledgehammer before the stem cells come out?”

    Gilbert Avila Filters Assembler
  • “Meat raised in laboratory petri dishes? With never an opportunity to roam a stainless-steel surface, or to experience the light and warmth of the autoclave? That's just cruel.”

    Don Bartek Tower Erector
  • “It’s just unethical for scientists to play God, and frankly a little distasteful for them to play farmer, too.”

    Sandra Graves Compounder

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