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Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Nation’s Sanitation Workers Announce Everything Finally Clean

‘Please Try To Keep It This Way,’ Say Workers

WASHINGTON—After spending years sweeping and scrubbing across all 50 states, the nation’s sanitation workers announced Thursday that everything was finally clean and asked Americans if they could please keep it that way.
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Scientists Create Lightest Material

A group of scientists in California has created a new material that is 100 times lighter than Styrofoam. What do you think?

  • "Great. I'm looking forward to weighing it."

    Cynthia Nash Water Tender
  • "Oh, good! I’ve actually been thinking lately about how hard it is to lift Styrofoam."

    Gerry Berrin Systems Analyst
  • "This is fantastic news for the novelty barbell industry."

    Don Lawson Unemployed

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