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Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Nation’s Sanitation Workers Announce Everything Finally Clean

‘Please Try To Keep It This Way,’ Say Workers

WASHINGTON—After spending years sweeping and scrubbing across all 50 states, the nation’s sanitation workers announced Thursday that everything was finally clean and asked Americans if they could please keep it that way.
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Scientists Create Microscopic ‘Mona Lisa’

Using nanoscale chemistry, scientists in Georgia have created the world’s smallest version of the Mona Lisa, with the researchers’ so-called Mini Lisa measuring just 30 microns wide, or less than a third of the width of a human hair. What do you think?

  • “I still prefer the original.”

    Rebecca Bristol Sightseeing Boat Operator
  • “Those guys need to quit messing around and get back to whatever other tiny work they were doing.”

    Charles Vausbinder Cable Installer
  • “How much?”

    Dennis Hirsch-Smith Urologist

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