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Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Nation’s Sanitation Workers Announce Everything Finally Clean

‘Please Try To Keep It This Way,’ Say Workers

WASHINGTON—After spending years sweeping and scrubbing across all 50 states, the nation’s sanitation workers announced Thursday that everything was finally clean and asked Americans if they could please keep it that way.
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Scientists Discover World’s Largest Volcano

Scientists have discovered a 145-million-year-old inactive volcano about four miles below the surface of the Pacific Ocean that is roughly the size of New Mexico, making it the largest volcano on the planet. What do you think?

  • “Largest doesn’t necessarily mean best.”

    Lynnanne Prosky Systems Analyst
  • “Things that are in the ocean should have an asterisk next to them so we’re prepared to be kind of disappointed.”

    Ricardo Brooks Cat Groomer
  • “Inactive for now, but for how long? How long?!”

    Stuart Hackes Gyro Maker

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