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Black Man Out Of Work

WASHINGTON—Joining the ranks of the unemployed at a time when joblessness remains stubbornly high among African Americans, 55-year-old local black man Barack Obama has lost the full-time job he has held for the past eight years, sources confirmed Friday.

Departing Obama Tearfully Shoos Away Loyal Drone Following Him Out Of White House

‘Go On Now, Git,’ Says Former President

WASHINGTON—Stopping and turning around as he made his way across the South Lawn after hearing the unmanned aerial vehicle hovering just feet behind him, outgoing President Barack Obama tearfully shooed away a loyal MQ-9 Reaper drone attempting to follow him out of the White House, sources confirmed Friday.

Jimmy Carter Contemplating Dying Right Here And Now

WASHINGTON—Carefully weighing the pros and cons of each option from his seat onstage at Donald Trump’s inauguration, former president Jimmy Carter is, according to late-breaking reports, currently contemplating dying right here and now.
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Scientists Discover World’s Largest Volcano

Scientists have discovered a 145-million-year-old inactive volcano about four miles below the surface of the Pacific Ocean that is roughly the size of New Mexico, making it the largest volcano on the planet. What do you think?

  • “Largest doesn’t necessarily mean best.”

    Lynnanne Prosky Systems Analyst
  • “Things that are in the ocean should have an asterisk next to them so we’re prepared to be kind of disappointed.”

    Ricardo Brooks Cat Groomer
  • “Inactive for now, but for how long? How long?!”

    Stuart Hackes Gyro Maker

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