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Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Nation’s Sanitation Workers Announce Everything Finally Clean

‘Please Try To Keep It This Way,’ Say Workers

WASHINGTON—After spending years sweeping and scrubbing across all 50 states, the nation’s sanitation workers announced Thursday that everything was finally clean and asked Americans if they could please keep it that way.
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Scientists Grow Miniature Human Brains

Neuroscientists at an Austrian lab have grown pea-sized human brains that reach the same level of development as a 9-week-old fetus, though they claim the miniature brains, which are kept in nutrient-rich baths, are incapable of thought. What do you think?

  • “Aw.”

    Nancy Capra Adult Education Teacher
  • “Are they taking volunteers? A nutrient-rich bath sounds really nice.”

    Hans Rykes Furs Salesperson
  • “How are they on a salad?”

    Kent Winter Multifocal Lens Assembler

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