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Keys To The Matchup: Packers vs. Falcons

The NFC Championship Game pits the Atlanta Falcons against the Green Bay Packers for the rare chance to play a meaningful game in Houston. Onion Sports breaks down what each team must do to win.

Black Man Out Of Work

WASHINGTON—Joining the ranks of the unemployed at a time when joblessness remains stubbornly high among African Americans, 55-year-old local black man Barack Obama has lost the full-time job he has held for the past eight years, sources confirmed Friday.

Departing Obama Tearfully Shoos Away Loyal Drone Following Him Out Of White House

‘Go On Now, Git,’ Says Former President

WASHINGTON—Stopping and turning around as he made his way across the South Lawn after hearing the unmanned aerial vehicle hovering just feet behind him, outgoing President Barack Obama tearfully shooed away a loyal MQ-9 Reaper drone attempting to follow him out of the White House, sources confirmed Friday.
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Scientists Grow Miniature Human Brains

Neuroscientists at an Austrian lab have grown pea-sized human brains that reach the same level of development as a 9-week-old fetus, though they claim the miniature brains, which are kept in nutrient-rich baths, are incapable of thought. What do you think?

  • “Aw.”

    Nancy Capra Adult Education Teacher
  • “Are they taking volunteers? A nutrient-rich bath sounds really nice.”

    Hans Rykes Furs Salesperson
  • “How are they on a salad?”

    Kent Winter Multifocal Lens Assembler

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