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Fermilab Receives Generous Anonymous Particle Donation

BATAVIA, IL—Calling it the most substantial private donation the research facility has received in years, officials at the Fermi National Accelerator Laboratory announced Monday that an anonymous benefactor had given them a generous particle donation.

God Excited About First Trip To Japan

THE HEAVENS—After years of talking about visiting the East Asian country, God, Our Lord and Heavenly Father, told reporters Monday that He was excited to finally be taking His first trip to Japan.
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Scientists Propose Rebuilding Arctic Ice

Arizona State University scientists have proposed a $500 billion plan to install millions of mechanical pumps in the Arctic Ocean that draw up water and spill it onto polar ice to freeze, growing the total ice surface. What do you think?

  • “See? This is the kind of research we get when we cut science funding.”

    Mandy Seifer Radon Tester
  • “We should spare no expense on any plan that lets us wait and see.”

    James Koenig Pasta Crimper
  • “Pouring water on everything is such an Arizona solution.”

    Brent Turner Retired Shareholder

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