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The Onion’s 2017 Oscar Picks

The 89th Academy Awards features a more diverse slate of film and actor nominees than in past years, though the ceremony could still field #OscarsSoWhite criticism. Here are The Onion’s picks for who should take home the coveted Oscar statuettes:

A Timeline Of The EPA

A recently introduced House bill that would dissolve the Environmental Protection Agency questions the value of what this agency does and what its goals are. The Onion provides a timeline of the EPA’s 47-year history:
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Scientists Replace Penile Tissue In Rabbits

Researchers from North Carolina's Wake Forest University successfully engineered a replacement erectile tissue that, when implanted in the penises of rabbits, allowed the animals to regain full sexual function. What do you think?
  • "I'd like to hear more about this. I have a friend who's interested in potential cures for impotence. His name is Sam Bailey, and he lives in Toledo, OH."

    Teresa Diggle Diswashing Machine Repairer
  • "Why do all these rabbits and mice get such favorable treatment? They're always the first to receive cutting-edge cures for sexual dysfunction, weight loss, baldness, and paralysis."

    Dan Shelley Systems Analyst
  • "This breakthrough provides hope for every virile guy cut down in his sexual prime by accidentally slamming his erect penis in a car door."

    Ken DeVoto Net Maker
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