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Tips For Hotel Etiquette

Staying in a hotel can be a fun and luxurious experience, but it requires consideration of the guests around you. The Onion presents its guide to hotel etiquette:

Report: Look How Big Player Is Next To Sideline Reporter

GREEN BAY, WI—Marveling at the pronounced disparity in size during the postgame interview, sources confirmed Sunday that, Jesus Christ, just look at how big Houston Texans nose tackle Vince Wilfork is next to the CBS sideline reporter.

John Kerry Throws Vine Over Pit Of Quicksand To Save Child Companion

PANGSAU, MYANMAR—Thinking quickly to thwart disaster as he ventured deep into the Myanmar rainforest to meet with State Councilor Aung San Suu Kyi, Secretary of State John Kerry threw a vine over a pit of quicksand to save the life of his 12-year-old Moroccan companion, Drumstick, sources confirmed Monday.

Report: This Movie Old Enough That They Might Have Actually Hurt Dog

GARDNER, MA—Realizing the movie was probably made years before any sort of mandatory industry oversight, nervous viewers watching a Turner Classic Movies airing of ‘Home On The Range’ Sunday night told reporters that the classic western was old enough that the filmmakers might have actually hurt the dog that starred in the motion picture.
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Scientists To ‘Resurrect’ Giant Tortoise

Though the last living Galapagos tortoise, “Lonesome George,” died in 2012 at 100 years old, scientists are hopeful they can resurrect the extinct species and return it to its environment by breeding tortoises on nearby islands who have the closest DNA match to George. What do you think?

  • “I commend these scientists for finding such a boring way to play God.”

    Rory Copeland Synthetics Executive
  • “But if the new breed doesn’t turn out right, we’ll be living with our mistakes for another century.”

    Lola Eisley Opposition Blogger
  • “I can’t believe my letter-writing campaign to safeguard George’s sperm amounted to nothing.”

    Thad Wolz Talent Scout

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