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The Onion’s 2017 Oscar Picks

The 89th Academy Awards features a more diverse slate of film and actor nominees than in past years, though the ceremony could still field #OscarsSoWhite criticism. Here are The Onion’s picks for who should take home the coveted Oscar statuettes:

A Timeline Of The EPA

A recently introduced House bill that would dissolve the Environmental Protection Agency questions the value of what this agency does and what its goals are. The Onion provides a timeline of the EPA’s 47-year history:
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Scientists To ‘Resurrect’ Giant Tortoise

Though the last living Galapagos tortoise, “Lonesome George,” died in 2012 at 100 years old, scientists are hopeful they can resurrect the extinct species and return it to its environment by breeding tortoises on nearby islands who have the closest DNA match to George. What do you think?

  • “I commend these scientists for finding such a boring way to play God.”

    Rory Copeland Synthetics Executive
  • “But if the new breed doesn’t turn out right, we’ll be living with our mistakes for another century.”

    Lola Eisley Opposition Blogger
  • “I can’t believe my letter-writing campaign to safeguard George’s sperm amounted to nothing.”

    Thad Wolz Talent Scout
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