adBlockCheck

Recent News

Islam: Myth Vs. Fact

In the wake of President Trump’s proposed immigration ban targeting largely Muslim countries, The Onion separates myth from fact regarding the religion of Islam.

Players To Watch In The Sweet 16

The 2017 NCAA Men’s Basketball Tournament has provided thrilling upsets and amazing comebacks in the first two rounds. Onion Sports presents a guide to the 10 players to watch in the Sweet 16.

Archaeologists Uncover Last Human To Die Happy

DEMBECHA, ETHIOPIA—In a startling find that contributes significantly to the understanding of modern man’s evolutionary development, University of Edinburgh archaeologists working in Ethiopia’s Afar Region announced Wednesday that they have uncovered the preserved remains of the last human to die happy.

Report: Grandpa Just Walks Like That Now

CULVER CITY, CA—According to family sources, the prominent limp displayed by local grandpa Marvin Adelstein on Tuesday is indicative of the fact that he just walks like that now.
End Of Section
  • More News

Scientists To ‘Resurrect’ Giant Tortoise

Though the last living Galapagos tortoise, “Lonesome George,” died in 2012 at 100 years old, scientists are hopeful they can resurrect the extinct species and return it to its environment by breeding tortoises on nearby islands who have the closest DNA match to George. What do you think?

  • “I commend these scientists for finding such a boring way to play God.”

    Rory Copeland Synthetics Executive
  • “But if the new breed doesn’t turn out right, we’ll be living with our mistakes for another century.”

    Lola Eisley Opposition Blogger
  • “I can’t believe my letter-writing campaign to safeguard George’s sperm amounted to nothing.”

    Thad Wolz Talent Scout
More Videos

WATCH VIDEO FROM THE ONION

More from this section

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

Close