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Rookie First Baseman Nervous To Chat With Baserunners

ATLANTA—Noting how important it is to make a good first impression, Pittsburgh Pirates rookie first baseman Josh Bell told reporters before Tuesday’s game against the Atlanta Braves that he’s still nervous about chatting with opposing baserunners.

What Is Trump Hiding?

As The Onion’s 300,000 staffers in its news bureaus and manual labor camps around the world continue to pore through the immense trove of documents obtained from an anonymous White House source, the answers that are emerging to these questions are deeply unnerving and suggest grave outcomes for the American people, the current international order, Wolf Blitzer, four of the five Great Lakes, and most devastatingly, the nation’s lighthouses and lighthouse keepers.

Deep Blue Quietly Celebrates 10th Anniversary With Garry Kasparov’s Ex-Wife

PITTSBURGH—Red wine and candlelight on the table before them, Deep Blue, the supercomputer that defeated reigning world chess champion Garry Kasparov in 1997, and Kasparov’s ex-wife, Yulia Vovk, quietly celebrated their 10th anniversary on Wednesday at a small French restaurant near Carnegie Mellon University, where Deep Blue was created.
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Scientists To DNA Test Bigfoot Evidence

Scientists from Oxford University have reached out to cryptozoologists to collect any purported biological evidence left behind by Sasquatches or yetis to be DNA tested. What do you think?

  • "Sure, you got a cup I could use?"

    Ron Nardiello Cracker Sprayer
  • "Seems a little mean after Bigfoot went to so much trouble to hide from us."

    Tina Daley Cloth Knot Picker
  • "You almost got me! What are they actually working on?"

    Gene Levi Coin-Vault Guard

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