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Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Nation’s Sanitation Workers Announce Everything Finally Clean

‘Please Try To Keep It This Way,’ Say Workers

WASHINGTON—After spending years sweeping and scrubbing across all 50 states, the nation’s sanitation workers announced Thursday that everything was finally clean and asked Americans if they could please keep it that way.
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Scientists To DNA Test Bigfoot Evidence

Scientists from Oxford University have reached out to cryptozoologists to collect any purported biological evidence left behind by Sasquatches or yetis to be DNA tested. What do you think?

  • "Sure, you got a cup I could use?"

    Ron Nardiello Cracker Sprayer
  • "Seems a little mean after Bigfoot went to so much trouble to hide from us."

    Tina Daley Cloth Knot Picker
  • "You almost got me! What are they actually working on?"

    Gene Levi Coin-Vault Guard

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