Scientologists In Germany

In This Section

Vol 31 Issue 04

Entertainment Tonight Host 'Can't Wait' To See New Paramount Pictures Release

HOLLYWOOD, CA—Bob Goen, co-host of Paramount Television's popular Entertainment Tonight program told co-host Mary Hart on air Monday that he "can't wait" to see the upcoming Paramount Pictures action-adventure release, Ring Of Fire, starring Bruce Willis and William Baldwin. "This is the movie everybody's talking about," Goen said, reading from a studio teleprompter to ET's national television audience. "The buzz around Hollywood is that the special effects are out of this world," he added. Goen reportedly spent much of Sunday afternoon studying the publicity packet for the film. Goen's boss, Paramount Pictures executive Ira Niven, said he believes the film will be "a real treat" for Goen. Paramount publicity head Ellyn Clark said she expects Goen to "absolutely love" the film.

Area Man Has Shitty Fuckin' Job

CLEVELAND, OH—Cleveland-area resident Douglas Torricelli, 34, announced Monday that his full-time job with Seifert's Cement and Gravel, which he has held for nearly two years, is a shitty fuckin' job. "I don't know why I work in that shit hole," he said. "That's one shitty fuckin' job I've got." Torricelli cited as key reasons for his announcement the job's long-ass hours and bullshit pay. He went on to strongly condemn his fat, asshole boss and the stupid fucking idiots he has to work with. He also assailed the goddamned bus he must ride every morning, which he claims is a living hell. Added Torricelli: "I could care less about fucking Seifert's Cement and Gravel." Torricelli is expected to arrive at work tomorrow morning as scheduled.

Russians To Build, Tear Down Statue

ST. PETERSBURG, RUSSIA—In a move certain to maintain instability in Russia, citizens of St. Petersburg unveiled plans at an anti-Yeltsin rally Monday to build an enormous stone statue and then tear it down. The monument will be a 1,000-foot-tall likeness of Aleksandr Kovalev, the right-wing, hard-line army general who is currently involved in a power struggle with Yeltsin. The statue will be erected in St. Petersburg's town square, where citizens angry with the government's failed economic reforms and political instability are calling for the statue's immediate construction and dismantling. "We will build this great statue to honor this great man," St. Petersburg resident Vassily Kerensky said. "Then, we will tear down this symbol of oppression which has tyrannically lorded over us for far too long." When informed of the citizens' plans, Kovalev praised the construction of the statue and expressed rage over its destruction.

Madeline Albright Sworn In As Secretary

WASHINGTON, DC—In a special ceremony at the White House Monday, Madeline Albright was sworn in as the nation's 43rd U.S. Secretary, the highest government position ever held by a woman. President Clinton praised Albright, citing her excellent organizational skills and pleasant phone voice. "Miss Albright will make an excellent Secretary," Clinton told the assembled reporters. "As a pioneer in the receptionist field, she is an inspiration to young women everywhere." Clinton vowed that Albright would make the timely serving of coffee her "top priority." Albright's other duties will include some light typing and filing. Albright left a similar position in the principal's office at Lakeview Junior High School in Rockville, MD, to accept the U.S. Secretary post.

Heads Need To Be Cracked In!

I know I speak for every organism that has ever existed on the planet when I say that heads need to be cracked in, fast. Cracking people's fucking heads in was my first love, and it shall be my last.

I Miss My Old Sled

I have been informed that winter has been upon us for a good month now. It is during this long season that my thoughts invariably turn to my childhood so long ago in the Oregon Territory. My dominant memory of those times is of snow, snow and more snow. Snow whirling about in great billows; snow piled in huge, sloping drifts; snow coming to rest against the rough-hewn timbers and window-panes of my mother's boarding-house.
End Of Section
  • More News
TV Listings
Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

Special Coverage

Spring

Comfort

  • The Onion’s Guide To Beach Etiquette

    The arrival of summer means that the nation’s beaches will soon be crowded with swimmers, tanners, surfers, and more, so it’s important for everyone to be conscious of each other’s space and needs. Here are some etiquette tips to ensure that everyone has a safe and relaxing time at the beach:

Scientologists In Germany

The German government recently issued a series of crackdowns against members of the Church of Scientology, sparking numerous protests by big-name Hollywood stars. What do you think?
  • "I'm usually very skeptical about issues of censorship, but the Germans seem to have pretty sound judgment in that area."

    Michael Backman
    Auto Mechanic
  • "Tragically, in Germany, Scientologist celebrities are allowed to attend only 75 gala premieres a year."

    Nikki Wyler
    Speech Pathologist
  • "I know how the Scientologists feel. For years, my people have been persecuted for our spiritual belief in magical 'pyramid schemes.'"

    Kirstie Lattimore
    Legal Secretary
  • "I think if Germany and Scientology could just sit down and get to know each other, they'd find they're not as different as they think."

    Tad Gregory
    Systems Analyst
  • "I was persecuted in Germany. Not because I was a Scientologist, though. It was because I broke some shit."

    Jon Orson
    Podiatrist
  • "Scientologists are being persecuted, and it's an outrage! I had to say that, or they'll reveal I'm gay."

    Hal Manoogian
    English Professor
Next Story

Onion Video

Watch More