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Japanese Family Puts Aging Robot In Retirement Home

KYOTO, JAPAN—Saying the move to the assisted care facility was the right decision after so many years of operation, members of the Akiyama family finally put their aging robot in a retirement home, sources reported Friday.

North Korea Successfully Detonates Nuclear Scientist

PYONGYANG—Hailing it as a significant step forward for their ballistic weapons program just hours after suffering a failed missile launch, North Korean leaders announced Monday they had successfully detonated a nuclear scientist.

Tokyo Portal Outage Delays Millions Of Japanese Warp Commuters

TOKYO—Saying the outdated system needed to be upgraded or replaced to avoid similar problems going forward, millions of inconvenienced Japanese warp commuters expressed frustration Thursday following a Tokyo portal outage that caused delays of up to eight seconds.

Earth Ranked Number One Party Planet

FRAMINGHAM, MA—Noting its high concentration of nightlife, droves of attractive singles, and atmospheric conditions allowing liquid alcohol to exist, the ‘Princeton Review’ on Monday ranked Earth the Milky Way galaxy’s top party planet for the fifth year in a row.

Nuclear Warhead Thrilled For Chance To Finally Escape North Korea

PYONGYANG—Saying its spirits were immediately buoyed upon hearing Supreme Leader Kim Jong-un’s recent statement that the military was close to developing an intercontinental ballistic missile, a North Korean nuclear warhead reported Tuesday that it was thrilled for the chance to finally escape the country.
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Scientologists In Germany

The German government recently issued a series of crackdowns against members of the Church of Scientology, sparking numerous protests by big-name Hollywood stars. What do you think?
  • "I'm usually very skeptical about issues of censorship, but the Germans seem to have pretty sound judgment in that area."

    Michael Backman Auto Mechanic
  • "Tragically, in Germany, Scientologist celebrities are allowed to attend only 75 gala premieres a year."

    Nikki Wyler Speech Pathologist
  • "I know how the Scientologists feel. For years, my people have been persecuted for our spiritual belief in magical 'pyramid schemes.'"

    Kirstie Lattimore Legal Secretary
  • "I think if Germany and Scientology could just sit down and get to know each other, they'd find they're not as different as they think."

    Tad Gregory Systems Analyst
  • "I was persecuted in Germany. Not because I was a Scientologist, though. It was because I broke some shit."

    Jon Orson Podiatrist
  • "Scientologists are being persecuted, and it's an outrage! I had to say that, or they'll reveal I'm gay."

    Hal Manoogian English Professor

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