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Keys To The Matchup: Packers vs. Falcons

The NFC Championship Game pits the Atlanta Falcons against the Green Bay Packers for the rare chance to play a meaningful game in Houston. Onion Sports breaks down what each team must do to win.

Black Man Out Of Work

WASHINGTON—Joining the ranks of the unemployed at a time when joblessness remains stubbornly high among African Americans, 55-year-old local black man Barack Obama has lost the full-time job he has held for the past eight years, sources confirmed Friday.

Departing Obama Tearfully Shoos Away Loyal Drone Following Him Out Of White House

‘Go On Now, Git,’ Says Former President

WASHINGTON—Stopping and turning around as he made his way across the South Lawn after hearing the unmanned aerial vehicle hovering just feet behind him, outgoing President Barack Obama tearfully shooed away a loyal MQ-9 Reaper drone attempting to follow him out of the White House, sources confirmed Friday.
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Scotland May Secede From U.K. In 2014

Scottish nationalist leaders and British Prime Minister David Cameron have agreed to terms on an independence referendum that will allow the people of Scotland to vote in 2014 on whether to end their 305-year union with England. What do you think?

  • “Watch out, Scotland. We did the same thing, and look how that turned out.”

    Colin Lancaster Lace Winder
  • “It’s a shame that their shared history of terrible food and off-putting physical appearances wasn’t enough to keep them together.”

    Carlos Majica Bedspring Assembler
  • “But without Scotland, how will the U.K. solve its most serious crimes? Or wrap its eggs in sausage and deep-fry them?”

    Lynn Eichens Taxi Driver

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