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Woman Conducting Ongoing Scientific Experiment On Own Skin

DULUTH, MN—Noting her methodic applications of various chemical agents in carefully controlled combinations, sources confirmed Wednesday that local woman Sara Holloway has been carrying out an open-ended scientific experiment on her own skin.

Earth Ranked Number One Party Planet

FRAMINGHAM, MA—Noting its high concentration of nightlife, droves of attractive singles, and atmospheric conditions allowing liquid alcohol to exist, the ‘Princeton Review’ on Monday ranked Earth the Milky Way galaxy’s top party planet for the fifth year in a row.
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Scotland May Secede From U.K. In 2014

Scottish nationalist leaders and British Prime Minister David Cameron have agreed to terms on an independence referendum that will allow the people of Scotland to vote in 2014 on whether to end their 305-year union with England. What do you think?

  • “Watch out, Scotland. We did the same thing, and look how that turned out.”

    Colin Lancaster Lace Winder
  • “It’s a shame that their shared history of terrible food and off-putting physical appearances wasn’t enough to keep them together.”

    Carlos Majica Bedspring Assembler
  • “But without Scotland, how will the U.K. solve its most serious crimes? Or wrap its eggs in sausage and deep-fry them?”

    Lynn Eichens Taxi Driver
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