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Woman Conducting Ongoing Scientific Experiment On Own Skin

DULUTH, MN—Noting her methodic applications of various chemical agents in carefully controlled combinations, sources confirmed Wednesday that local woman Sara Holloway has been carrying out an open-ended scientific experiment on her own skin.

Earth Ranked Number One Party Planet

FRAMINGHAM, MA—Noting its high concentration of nightlife, droves of attractive singles, and atmospheric conditions allowing liquid alcohol to exist, the ‘Princeton Review’ on Monday ranked Earth the Milky Way galaxy’s top party planet for the fifth year in a row.
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Seal Flu Could Infect Humans

A strain of bird flu known as H3N8 was found to be responsible for the deaths of 162 harbor seals that washed up on New England beaches last fall, leading scientists to fear the virus could spread to other mammals, including humans. What do you think?

  • “I’m no scientist, but when I hear 162 seals are found dead, I immediately think suicide pact.”

    Austin Guttenberg Unemployed
  • “Can we still use our masks from H3N5 or H3N7?”

    Brian Garber Ethnologist
  • “Aw, jeez, now you tell me. I just picked up a couple of seal steaks at the Price Chopper.”

    Barbara Suarez Nameplate Stamper
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