adBlockCheck

Recent News

Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Nation’s Sanitation Workers Announce Everything Finally Clean

‘Please Try To Keep It This Way,’ Say Workers

WASHINGTON—After spending years sweeping and scrubbing across all 50 states, the nation’s sanitation workers announced Thursday that everything was finally clean and asked Americans if they could please keep it that way.
End Of Section
  • More News

Seal Flu Could Infect Humans

A strain of bird flu known as H3N8 was found to be responsible for the deaths of 162 harbor seals that washed up on New England beaches last fall, leading scientists to fear the virus could spread to other mammals, including humans. What do you think?

  • “I’m no scientist, but when I hear 162 seals are found dead, I immediately think suicide pact.”

    Austin Guttenberg Unemployed
  • “Can we still use our masks from H3N5 or H3N7?”

    Brian Garber Ethnologist
  • “Aw, jeez, now you tell me. I just picked up a couple of seal steaks at the Price Chopper.”

    Barbara Suarez Nameplate Stamper

More from this section

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

Close