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‘Lost Dog’ Poster Really Tooting Dog’s Horn

BROOKLYN, NY—Claiming the flyer could really stand to tone it down a little, sources said a lost dog poster that began appearing in Brooklyn’s Fort Greene neighborhood Tuesday was really tooting the dog’s horn.

FDA Rents Party House Upstate To Test New Drug

TOBYHANNA, PA—With preclinical studies of an in-development cholesterol-reducing medication now complete, Food and Drug Administration officials confirmed Monday they would be conducting initial trials of the new drug at a large party house they had rented in upstate Pennsylvania.

Refs Let 49ers Put As Many Men On Field As They Want

SEATTLE—Sighing into the microphone as he stood at the 50-yard line of Centurylink Field, NFL referee Gene Steratore ruled during Sunday’s game that the San Francisco 49ers could put as many men on the field as they want.
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Secession Petitions Filed In All 50 States

Following President Obama’s reelection, residents in all 50 states have filed petitions on the White House website requesting secession from the union, with six states receiving the 25,000 signatures needed for the administration to issue an official response. What do you think?

  • “I’m not sure how comfortable I am about the idea of a bunch of foreigners living so close to me.”

    Anastasia Margolin Lace Inspector
  • “All those states seceding would be totally impractical, if only because of all the new national anthems that would have to be written.”

    Gerry Shumbris Digitizer
  • “It’s one of those perfect ideas where you just think, ‘Now why didn’t someone think of this sooner?’”

    Todd Califano Muskrat Trapper

More from this section

FDA Rents Party House Upstate To Test New Drug

TOBYHANNA, PA—With preclinical studies of an in-development cholesterol-reducing medication now complete, Food and Drug Administration officials confirmed Monday they would be conducting initial trials of the new drug at a large party house they had rented in upstate Pennsylvania.

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