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Brad Pitt Sidelined 6 To 8 Weeks With Red Carpet Toe

LOS ANGELES—Saying doctors strongly recommended that he stay off the injured foot, representatives for Brad Pitt confirmed to reporters Sunday that the actor was sidelined six to eight weeks with a case of red carpet toe.

The Onion’s 2017 Oscar Picks

The 89th Academy Awards features a more diverse slate of film and actor nominees than in past years, though the ceremony could still field #OscarsSoWhite criticism. Here are The Onion’s picks for who should take home the coveted Oscar statuettes:
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Secession Petitions Filed In All 50 States

Following President Obama’s reelection, residents in all 50 states have filed petitions on the White House website requesting secession from the union, with six states receiving the 25,000 signatures needed for the administration to issue an official response. What do you think?

  • “I’m not sure how comfortable I am about the idea of a bunch of foreigners living so close to me.”

    Anastasia Margolin Lace Inspector
  • “All those states seceding would be totally impractical, if only because of all the new national anthems that would have to be written.”

    Gerry Shumbris Digitizer
  • “It’s one of those perfect ideas where you just think, ‘Now why didn’t someone think of this sooner?’”

    Todd Califano Muskrat Trapper
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