Secession Petitions Filed In All 50 States

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Vol 48 Issue 46

Sunday, November 18

Smelly Randall will be in Roosevelt Park yelling at pigeons from 3 p.m. to 5 p.m., after which he’ll hold a brief Q&A.

Cool New Lakers Coach Doesn't Make Team Play Defense

LOS ANGELES—The mood in the Los Angeles Lakers’ locker room was upbeat this morning as players were reportedly enthusiastic about new head coach Mike D’Antoni’s policy of never forcing them to play any defense whatsoever.
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  • Night Out Consecrated With Opening Exchange Of High-Fives

    CHARLOTTE, NC—Kicking off the evening with their customary expression of excitement and camaraderie, a group of friends reportedly consecrated their night out on the town Friday with a ceremonial opening exchange of high-fives.

Secession Petitions Filed In All 50 States

Following President Obama’s reelection, residents in all 50 states have filed petitions on the White House website requesting secession from the union, with six states receiving the 25,000 signatures needed for the administration to issue an official response. What do you think?

  • “I’m not sure how comfortable I am about the idea of a bunch of foreigners living so close to me.”

    Anastasia Margolin
    Lace Inspector
  • “All those states seceding would be totally impractical, if only because of all the new national anthems that would have to be written.”

    Gerry Shumbris
    Digitizer
  • “It’s one of those perfect ideas where you just think, ‘Now why didn’t someone think of this sooner?’”

    Todd Califano
    Muskrat Trapper
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