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Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Nation’s Sanitation Workers Announce Everything Finally Clean

‘Please Try To Keep It This Way,’ Say Workers

WASHINGTON—After spending years sweeping and scrubbing across all 50 states, the nation’s sanitation workers announced Thursday that everything was finally clean and asked Americans if they could please keep it that way.
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Secret Searches Ruled Illegal

Last week, a federal judge deemed a Patriot Act provision that allowed the FBI to secretly obtain Internet and telephone records unconstitutional. What do you think?
  • "If John Ashcroft hadn't personally been doing all the searches, I would've felt a little more comfortable about them."

    Jerry Collins Systems Analyst
  • "Thank God that Internet-records part was struck down. If the government ever found out that I bought Bring It On from Amazon, I'd die of embarrassment."

    Jason Green Stockroom Worker
  • "Wait a second. The rest of the Patriot Act is still okay?"

    Alice Morrison Actuary
  • "I'm glad the provision was deemed illegal, because it would've forced my phone provider to lie to me. I just couldn't handle knowing that Verizon had lied to me."

    Albert Cook Mathematician
  • "The Patriot Act never made sense to me. Aren't the Republicans proponents of small government? Hey! Where are you taking me?"

    Carl Perez Title Searcher
  • "That's the way these things happen. First, they overturn one little clause, then they whittle away at the rest. Before you know it, our civil liberties will be totally restored."

    Katherine Kane Interior <br>Designer

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