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Biden Opts Out Of Putting Last Few Felonies On Job Application

WASHINGTON—Saying he would be “sitting pretty” if he landed such a primo gig, Vice President Joe Biden reportedly decided Tuesday to leave off several of his most recent felonies while filling out a job application for a blackjack dealer position at the Horseshoe Casino Baltimore.

Departing Bo Obama Lands K Street Lobbyist Position

WASHINGTON—Touting his lengthy tenure in the White House and close personal relationships with the president of the United States and first lady, executives at Brownstein Hyatt Farber Schreck announced Monday that once the current administration steps down later this week, the departing Bo Obama will officially join their high-powered K Street lobbying firm.

How To Combat Harassment Online

Online harassment is an increasingly contentious issue, with social media sites like Twitter and Reddit pressured to crack down on users’ abusive behavior. Here are The Onion’s tips for combating harassment online:

Strongside/Weakside: Deshaun Watson

After leading his team to victory in the College Football Playoff National Championship, Clemson University quarterback Deshaun Watson announced he would forgo his final year of eligibility and declare for the NFL Draft. Is he any good?
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Secret Searches Ruled Illegal

Last week, a federal judge deemed a Patriot Act provision that allowed the FBI to secretly obtain Internet and telephone records unconstitutional. What do you think?
  • "If John Ashcroft hadn't personally been doing all the searches, I would've felt a little more comfortable about them."

    Jerry Collins Systems Analyst
  • "Thank God that Internet-records part was struck down. If the government ever found out that I bought Bring It On from Amazon, I'd die of embarrassment."

    Jason Green Stockroom Worker
  • "Wait a second. The rest of the Patriot Act is still okay?"

    Alice Morrison Actuary
  • "I'm glad the provision was deemed illegal, because it would've forced my phone provider to lie to me. I just couldn't handle knowing that Verizon had lied to me."

    Albert Cook Mathematician
  • "The Patriot Act never made sense to me. Aren't the Republicans proponents of small government? Hey! Where are you taking me?"

    Carl Perez Title Searcher
  • "That's the way these things happen. First, they overturn one little clause, then they whittle away at the rest. Before you know it, our civil liberties will be totally restored."

    Katherine Kane Interior <br>Designer

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