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Frontier Airlines Tells Customers To Just Fucking Deal With It

‘You’re Uncomfortable For A Few Hours And Then You Get To Be Somewhere Else,’ Says CEO

DENVER—Noting that some discomfort should be expected while traveling to a faraway place in just a few goddamn hours, officials from ultra-low-cost carrier Frontier Airlines reportedly told customers Thursday to just fucking deal with it.

Top Family Vacation Spots

With school out for the summer, families are packing up and hitting the road. Here are The Onion’s top family vacation destinations.

Veteran Given Hero’s Welcome Back To Afghanistan

KABUL, AFGHANISTAN—Waving flags and breaking into cheers the moment they spotted the veteran, dozens of joyous citizens gave Marine Pfc. Victor Rosas, 23, a hero’s welcome back to Afghanistan, sources reported Tuesday.

OB-GYN Assures Serena Williams Fetus Developing Serve On Schedule

WEST PALM BEACH, FL—Observing that the unborn child was producing the smooth, fluid strokes expected in the third trimester, ob-gyn Dr. Theresa Umbers reportedly assured world No. 4–ranked tennis player Serena Williams at an appointment Tuesday that her fetus was developing its serve right on schedule.
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Secret Searches Ruled Illegal

Last week, a federal judge deemed a Patriot Act provision that allowed the FBI to secretly obtain Internet and telephone records unconstitutional. What do you think?
  • "If John Ashcroft hadn't personally been doing all the searches, I would've felt a little more comfortable about them."

    Jerry Collins Systems Analyst
  • "Thank God that Internet-records part was struck down. If the government ever found out that I bought Bring It On from Amazon, I'd die of embarrassment."

    Jason Green Stockroom Worker
  • "Wait a second. The rest of the Patriot Act is still okay?"

    Alice Morrison Actuary
  • "I'm glad the provision was deemed illegal, because it would've forced my phone provider to lie to me. I just couldn't handle knowing that Verizon had lied to me."

    Albert Cook Mathematician
  • "The Patriot Act never made sense to me. Aren't the Republicans proponents of small government? Hey! Where are you taking me?"

    Carl Perez Title Searcher
  • "That's the way these things happen. First, they overturn one little clause, then they whittle away at the rest. Before you know it, our civil liberties will be totally restored."

    Katherine Kane Interior <br>Designer

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